This blog has become somewhat serious recently and I quite like it. My latest post produced a lot of conversations for me - notably, I was contacted by an acquaintance who thanked me for sharing my experience as they related to it, and as a result we have now become friends. So I'm glad that it came to something - and it shows that if you put yourself out there people can reach out in return.
This year has been about change and a time of extensive personal growth, so naturally I think the tone of my blog followed.
With that focus in mind, this post has come about.
I was talking to a friend earlier who drew attention to one of the changes in my lifestyle this year - I have started drinking alcohol again after roughly four years without it. I realised that I have not really discussed this change with anyone or properly articulated my feelings about it. So, as it often goes, a talk with a friend has led to another blog post.
I made the decision to not drink alcohol when I was sixteen (not that I'd had much experience of it before then). The events that triggered this decision were the deaths of my great aunt and uncle. I think I've only come to realise the extent of my pain regarding this subject and the true nature of my response to it.
I was particularly distressed by the nature of their deaths. My great uncle was the first to die (probably a result of his drinking and smoking habits) and my aunt struggled to handle caring for him towards the end of his life, which led her to drinking more. On the final night of my great uncle's life he was taken in to hospital and died early the next morning. My aunt was unable to be with him because she was too drunk to go in the ambulance with him. My uncle died alone in an unfamiliar place. I was aware of my anger towards my aunt at the time (something I now see as not completely reasonable because she was in an emotional state that could not handle the severity of the situation) and my distress over the nature of the nature of my uncle's death and the rest of my aunt's life (which consisted of further drinking to cope with being without him). However, I do not think I completely engaged with my feelings.
I believe that in my mind, in a very simple sense, I created a link between drinking and pain. It was something strongly negative for me. Therefore, I decided to not drink alcohol myself. I think I made this decision because of my bad association, but also because I felt I was in some way compensating for the nature of my uncle's death. I was so upset that he had to be alone that I vowed to never let that happen to anyone else.
Now I can see that this was not the best way to cope with my feelings. I masked my pain by focusing my energies on not drinking. I was also solely concentrating on the sad endings of their lives by taking this negative response. I did not focus on happy memories from my childhood - walking their dogs in the summer, having them over for christmas, listening to music in my family living room. I also disconnected from their characters - my uncle's wicked humour, my aunt's sweet nature (they both had such wonderful laughs). I was not taking in the whole picture anymore - I fixated on the sadness.
However, last summer things began to change. My family has most of their possessions and we have been sorting through them. This began to remind me of their lives as a whole. If I could use one word to describe them it would be 'joy'. There was such a pure joy and contentment surrounding them - to be near them was to be part of a constant celebration of life. I also began to talk about them and their deaths with people. I explored my emotions properly. I only really discussed them with my parents and I had neglected preserving a positive memory of them. I particularly remember walking through Rome with a tutor from the art history course I took last year - I had to describe them to someone who did not know them and began to remember how important it is to share them and celebrate their lives. Through things like this, I began to break away from my attitude towards alcohol and my sadness over them (naturally I will always be sad about them but not to such an extent).
This past academic year, as many know, has been hard. One evening I got particularly upset and went for the extreme response, which resulted in drinking a lot with some friends. Once again, I was associating drinking with pain. I thought it would be a good way to escape my distress for an evening. I have not drunk that much since - although by the standards of some other students I was hardly drinking anything. Afterwards I realised that it was a silly response to my sadness (hence not letting it happen again), but also took some time to reflect upon it.
I realised that the link with my aunt and uncle, and my pain had diminished since I had made the decision to not drink. My decision was something that I no longer had to cling to. I found that I could finally let go. I think we can often get caught up in our own patterns of behaviour and forget why we do them. It is positive to challenge yourself and see whether what you are doing is necessary anymore. I realised that four years was enough and that I was not properly engaging with my feelings - just hiding behind a lifestyle choice. Furthermore, it was not a particularly positive choice as it reinforced my focus upon the negative.
Now I am able to recall the positive memories of my aunt and uncle, and also go to the pub with friends from time to time.
To be honest, I think I'd still prefer a good cup of coffee but am developing an appreciation for a soothing glass of wine or a sweet cider.
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