Paper Airplane

How many days should I smile with a frown because you're not around with the sun on your shoulders? 

Whilst I did just post a blog about finding your inner strength it's okay to feel the sadness too. You wouldn't be human if you didn't acknowledge it at some point. And it's an insult to experience if you can't express some emotion over it.
And I think Alison Krauss sings this so beautifully!

Me, Myself & I

Moments of challenge have a strange way of giving you a sense of clarity. A step back from your everyday life also gives you something similar.
Christina Aguilera has a song called 'Fighter' (released before she went down hill musically!). When I first heard it I thought 'Wow she's being melodramatic'. A part of me still thinks the song is an extreme but to an extent it makes a good point. Moments of struggle have always motivated me to work harder.
When you're going through something hard there's always the initial period of wanting to slither out of existence and wallow in a dark corner somewhere. Then there's this moment of strength - like a Phoenix rising from the ashes. It's very much a time to focus on what you need for yourself and draw from strength you can sometimes not be aware of.

Upon getting home from university this year I had a large span of free time ahead of me and the question of what to do with it. The transition from university life, along with some other struggles, brought on this Phoenix-like moment where I concluded that this summer is in part about what I can do for myself.

I have been motivated to:
- Organise some voluntary work at an art exhibition at Somerset House (I get to spend my shifts talking to visitors from all over the world about art and if I'm lucky there are extraordinary moments where people share aspects of their life with me).
- Pick up my driving lessons again (I was a very anxious driver when I started out and backed away from it for a while. I now have a new instructor who has been great and given me valuable reflections on life during my lessons).
- Sign up for a two week art history based tour of Italy (I'm going to Venice, Florence and Rome to be up to my neck in art and Italian culture - heaven!)
- Start running again (I only ran this year when I was home and that's pretty bad considering the amount I did in my last year at school. It's been hard but I'm getting back in to it).
- Reconnect with old friends and family (In talking to other people about what has happened in your time apart sometimes you can see things you weren't aware of before).

And then I've got a whole chunk of time in September after I'm back from my holiday with my family - who knows what I'll do then?!

Whilst moments of struggle are obviously horrible, I think they have a positive aspect to them.
They push you to pick yourself up and remind you to take care of yourself.
These Phoenix-moments aren't instant or consistent. It can be a while before you get there and you can sway between moments of weakness and strength.
However, once you've harnessed that strength it can be rewarding and remind you of what you can achieve.

Cooking

I cook when I'm stressed. I cook when I'm sad. I cook when I need a break to relax. I also cook at happy times - this isn't an activity especially reserved for the blues. It's one of my favourite things to do, so logically it makes sense that I do it when I'm sad. 

It was around the time of my a level exams that you could barely move in my house as you struggled against the mountain of food I'd created. I'd cook at least once every day. 

I remember watching an episode of The Simpsons where Marge has a break down and is cooking up a feast at about three in the morning. I thought 'Man. That's definitely the way I'd go'.

Luckily I've never reached the early hours cooking craze. 

Whilst cooking yesterday I reflected on why it is a reassuring thing for me to do. 

I think it's good because it's a form of creation. It's like a minor form of achievement. I've taken the basics and created something of my own. I can become creative and switch things around - I combine recipes a lot. And of course I get the satisfaction of the result - yum!

I also think cooking is quite a stable thing for me. I know what I'm doing. There are instructions and a sense of guidance. I know I can't really mess it up if I follow the guidelines - confirming the idea that this is something I can succeed in.
I think I have a strong instinct to have a sense of control. This is probably true for a lot of people. We like to know what's going on and why things are happening. I think cooking gives me a sense of control and understanding when other aspects of my life are difficult to handle.

Since I've been home from university I've also just been cooking a lot because I've missed it this year. It gives my mum a nice break and me the chance to improve.
Next year I'm living in a house instead of halls so I'll be cooking every day. I can't wait because I think it'll give me time each day to relax and indulge in what I enjoy most.

Some stuff I made: a vegetable broth-ish thing (lots of pak choi - yum!), almond and chocolate cookies (adding oats makes them have a nice grainy taste) and chicken chow mein noodles (a family favourite). 

My Honest Tribe

A couple of days ago I went to a stage show by Ruby Wax and Judith Owen called 'Losing It'.
Both women have tackled clinical depression and the show mainly focused on Ruby's experience. This subject opened the door to Ruby's reflections on life. She mentioned two ideas that stuck with me.
1. Finding your tribe
2. How much better the world would be if we were just honest with each other

So, firstly, on finding your tribe.
Ruby suggested that you can have a natural tribe of people with similar views and experiences.  You can find this tribe at any stage of your life and have deep connections with the members of it. She stressed that we are all 'lost creatures' trying to find commonality - our tribe.

Having just finished my first year at university this concept had some poignancy for me and brought a couple of conclusions to mind.
I think in a way I have found an important tribe at university. Being in a small all girls senior school I certainly hadn't found my tribe by the time I was 18. I had close connections with a couple of members of my year group, that I hope I'll keep going for a long time yet, but I wasn't part of a tribe. In being head girl and distanced academically from the rest of my year I do feel I spent a fair amount of my last year in isolation. I don't want this to seem some kind of sob story because I think that isolation was right for the time. It gave me focus and made me realise what kind of person I am. I think I really grew in my final year of senior school and this self-discovery has continued in to my first year of university.

Anyway, back to the point, I think at university I've found a sort of tribe. There are friends I've gained who I feel closer to than people I have known for more than ten times longer. I've found people with the same view of the world and I've found people who've challenged me to develop my own. In a way these connections are amazing, especially upon only having known these people for a year.
I don't think I have ever been so comfortable in myself or ever felt so valued as a person. And I think that is what has made returning home hard. Of course I have my biological tribe and I get to catch up on lost time with my family - who will always be a very important tribe for me. I still have those various close friends from school and I get the opportunity to reconnect with them. But I don't have my non-biological tribe and they are hard to be without. To make these connections, develop this 'family' and then experience separation is hard.

I will never forget one of my university friends saying after about 6 months of us knowing each other 'I know we haven't known each other long, and this may seem strange, but I do love you guys'. She was right. I do love my tribe - on a deeper level than people I have known for a longer time because I am finally with a group of people with whom I have a deeper level of understanding.

On to Ruby's second idea.
Ruby suggested that the world would be a better place if we were honest with each other. However, the type of honesty Ruby talked about was a unique kind I had not been aware of before. She wants the world to be more honest in terms of expressing our worries and weaknesses to each other. Her example: If someone asked her 'How are you?' she would reply 'Just like you. Dealing with the fear of loneliness and mortality'.
She wants us to be honest on the level of being open about our human frailty.

From a British perspective this is an interesting idea. The British stiff upper lip is a well known concept. The idea of being determined to keep going and not fall susceptible to our emotions. I'd say this is a fair concept and I was raised to carry on as best I could when things get tough. For me, Ruby's suggestion has a strong amount of appeal. What is this need for human beings to present themselves as strong at all times? We so want to be on top of life and in a position of understanding. Yet, we have all got these anxieties. I think that's another thing I've learnt over time - everyone has had trying experiences and everyone has worries (some more than others but they're still there).

Wouldn't the world be a better place if we could show our weakness to each other? If we could be honest and drop the pretence of being in control? If we could show each other that we are human?
I think some of my strongest relationships are with those whose weaknesses I have witnessed.
So I could keep emphasising that we should be honest with each other or I could do this myself.
Here's my honesty:
'Rachel how are you?'
'Just like you. Dealing with the anxieties of what to do with my life, whether I'll ever feel comfortable with my physical appearance and the need to feel loved'.

I think a way the concepts of 'the tribe' and 'being honest' come together is in getting to know other people.
In finding your tribe you can have these moments of honesty and they can be hard.
There are the dilemmas of: When is the time I share that one of my parents has had cancer? When is the time I share that I don't drink alcohol because of negative experiences? When is the time I share that a person in my past had inappropriate romantic feelings towards me? And if I share all of this what will that do to this person's perception of me?
These aren't things I'd share with a person instantly but somewhere along the line they have come up. In response many members of my tribe opened up to me and shared their weaknesses or 'flawed experiences'. The 'honesty' of these people increased my admiration for them and my closeness to them. You could say that these people have shared their weaknesses but I think they have shared their strength.

I think that you find 'your tribe' when you are 'honest'.

19th June 2011

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. 

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one.

To love is to be vulnerable."

- C.S. Lewis