'Here Comes The Sun'

Pah! The sun is not here! It's almost JULY and it is RAINING. Come on London!! What is this??
Still, I was trying to think of a song about summer for a good title - it was either my favourite song 'Here Comes The Sun' or 'Summer Lovin' from Grease (such a cringe inducing song that I have to be in an incredibly particular mood for!)  So, divine song versus cheesy musical song - 'Here Comes The Sun' wins.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. I've been meaning to write a post about my summer for a while. I've had lots of blog post inspiration recently (posts about odd things like Damien Hirst to come!), but was strict with myself and said I can't write any of them until I have finished this one.

Summer. Now I'm a university student it's actually quite an odd time. It's an adjustment to move back to an old life from another life far away (which is very different - I run my own house, work to my own timetable - essentially I do what suits me in an independent manner). I can sometimes feel like I'm not quite settled - I go to one place, gradually get in to my routine, and then I'm off to the other. It's tough to articulate this without sounding like I don't want to be home - I am really happy to be home, it's hard being without my family during term time (to lose proximity with your greatest source of support is hard). Being home is something I love but, of course, there is a routine I have to get back in to which takes time. Furthermore, there's the question of what to do with myself for three months? Again, the contrast is pretty strong - at university you know exactly what you're doing (going to lectures, dying in the library etc.) but with the three months at home I shape my time as I choose.

Summer 2012, what to do? As a student there's the task of getting the balance of doing some things that, frankly, look good on your CV and enjoying your free time. I think there's quite a good mixture that has been going on, and will continue this summer.

In terms of being a good student, I've got a few things to work on. I have been home for a month now and have been attending lectures at a Senior Executive Programme at London Business School. I am incredibly fortunate to know one of the lectures at the school who gave me the chance of following him for a while. Initially, the artsy student in me was wary and wondered whether Rachel the Art Historian would enjoy or benefit from observing a business course. I was so foolish to worry. The lectures have been so inspiring and intellectually challenging. I went in a blank slate and have come out with a greater understanding of 'the business world', which to be honest is in everything - my eyes were really opened. This enthusiasm has taken me over so completely that the lecturer I was following and I came to the delirious heights of discussing taking a Business MA at the school after my Art History degree. We'll see how things go... Focusing on at least getting an Art History degree is probably not a bad idea for the moment.

Later this summer I am also due to attend a course at The Courtauld for a week. The course focuses on German art from the Romanticists to the Expressionists. I am so excited it's unreal. Just doing my preparation reading has me in a state of euphoria. The first two years of the Art History degree at St Andrews, naturally, provide you with an overview of art from the Renaissance to Contemporary art - I can't wait for the opportunity to study the art of a particular culture, and various styles, more closely. I'm getting all excited and tingly just thinking of Caspar David Friedrich and Emil Nolde.

On a more minor level, there are some other things I'm trying to get on top of this summer that wouldn't really hurt me to do. I am organising returning to help out at Somerset House like I did last summer - the great thing about working for them is that if you have once you're in their system and can work when suits you. On a sadder note, I was prepared to take part in a cheese-making course this summer but that fell through. No homemade cheese for me - a tragic blow to myself and my foodie friends. I'm looking in to possibly taking part in a patisserie course instead - not the same, but I'm sure homemade croissants could never be a bad thing. On top of all of this, I'm retaking my driving test... Ugh. Yes, I'm trying again. After getting back behind the wheel I'm not as anxious and know I can drive - it's just proving to a stranger that I can without getting spooked. We shall see... I will not allow myself to be taking this test forevermore!

On the less intellectual side, I am lucky enough to be carrying out some exciting travelling this summer. In a couple of weeks time I will be spending just under a week in Croatia. I am staying with a couple of Croatian women my family has come to know (and love) through my father's work. They're all wonderful. I met the oldest of these women in my kitchen one morning when I groggily came downstairs for breakfast and was not aware she was in the house - we then spent two hours having the most bizarre but wonderful conversation of my life over a very long breakfast. I'm certain this trip is going to be just as spectacular as our first meeting. Then, later this summer I am travelling to Florence with my family. I went to Florence with the company AHA last summer and fell in love - I have now managed to convince my family that we should all go. I'm already fantasising about all of the art I will be able to see again, the beautiful streets and the food which is nectar from heaven (Italian cooking just makes British people look so incompetent). In Florence there is a bronze statue of a wild boar ('Il Porcellino') very close to Piazza della Signoria and apparently if you rub its snout you will return to Florence in your lifetime (I did this on my AHA trip) - who knew that this wild boar was so efficient? I'm impressed that I'm already back in a year! The final destination for my family this summer will be Portugal just before I return to university (I will seriously have something like four days to get myself together and say good bye to everyone in London before I'm back in St Andrews!) This was a wonderful spur of the moment Prosser decision. Once again, thanks to my father's work, he has a contact over there who suggested that we visit. I am so excited - I have been conscious that I really need to explore more of Europe and gosh what I'm just seeing of Portugal from books, the internet etc. just has my heart fluttering.

All in all, not a bad summer? My little sister has a game we play when we are stressed - we take it in turns to say one thing that we're looking forward to in the future - we spent a good half hour playing this game when thinking of the summer ahead. All of these magnificent experiences on top of catching up with friends and family! So, if the English weather could just get back on track, that would be marvellous.

'Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness' - Martin Luther King Jr.

Altruism. The number of people that must feel murderous when I bring up this subject is insane. I've been debating with one friend for almost two years about whether it exists - I don't see either of us backing down from our views any time soon. Our debate mainly consists of my providing him with what I consider to be examples of altruism. Apparently I haven't provided an example yet. Hmph. I disagree, I think I have.

I think it's pretty sad that I'm in a minority for believing that altruism is real.

I believe in extraordinary human kindness. I don't think every action is self-motivated. That is the main argument against altruism - that every action, is in some way, going to have a positive outcome for the person doing it, which they are inherently motivated by - suggesting that no action is selfless.

For example, a person who carries out a good deed, such as helping an old lady cross the street (don't you think old ladies must get so sick of that?), is not doing so out of the pure goodness of their heart but because they are aware that they will receive the admiration of others. A friend of mine went as far as to suggest that society conditions us to carry out good deeds because the notion of the reward we will receive is deep in our subconscious. We help others because of an underlying understanding that we will be rewarded.

I think I may waver in to sounding like an emotional hippy (a regular occurrence) but I just feel this is so wrong. Yes, looking back over history, even at the present day, man has proved that we are capable of unbelievable cruelty. But, I think this can often make people cynical and overshadow the incredible good we are capable of - I think this good can be selfless.

When I get in to this argument with people I have a primary example that I think is a genuine case of altruism. Yes, I'll accept altruism is not your everyday occurrence but it does happen.

So, my primary example - the bravery and selflessness of Wesley Autry - the New York Subway Hero. Wesley Autry was a fifty year old construction worker and about four years ago he was extraordinarily selfless for a stranger. He was standing on a subway platform with his two young daughters when another man started having a seizure and fell on to the tracks - just as a train was pulling in to the station. There were seventy five other people on the platform and they all froze - inevitably waiting to watch this man die. However, Mr Autry, a man with no greater excuse than anyone else to help this stranger (in fact, a man with a reason not to get involved - he had his two daughters present) jumped down on to the tracks. He placed the man having a seizure in a drainage trench between the tracks and then proceeded to lie on top of him to hold him still. The height of the two men lying on the floor was twenty and a half inches - the train clearance was twenty one inches - they survived by half an inch. Wesley Autry put his life at risk, completely uncertain of whether he would survive, for a complete stranger.

I think this is a pure example of the great kindness man is capable of. Yes, I'm not certain there are many people who would display such bravery, but the world is not entirely void of these people.

Even if you don't believe my hippy rantings, I still think you can just marvel at this example of human compassion. This goes beyond the call of duty. I remember learning about this man in my A Level psychology class and some of my class mates being adamant that they would have done the same. However, I think if we are honest with ourselves many of us would have frozen like the rest of the people on that platform. I think this is why people do not believe in altruism - it is rare - it's not a phenomenon I'm claiming happens all the time - but it is possible.

A further thing I frequently find myself saying to people, not so much as an argument but as an explanation, is that I view altruism like many people view religion - I have faith in it - I do not require constant evidence - I have faith in human goodness - as I have said many times before, I think human beings are extraordinary.

To return to the title of this blog - the words of Martin Luther King Jr. Sometimes I wonder whether the issue with altruism may lie with decision-making. The complete denial of it may be seen as 'letting you off the hook' in regards to selfless behaviour. We can all make the active decision to sacrifice for others. My engagement with this subject has made it something I'm certainly aware of and strive towards. So, whether you believe in it, are sceptical or completely deny it, you can still strive towards an altruistic attitude.

"Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!" - Dr Seuss

This is going to be a shorter post for a change - I say this now, it might get longer as I go on.

I'm home for the summer earlier than most people and have university friends dotted across the globe at the moment. I have a large amount of free time on my hands (I'll expand on how I'm going to use it in another post) but I have spent a lot of it talking to old home friends or my friends across the world. In a lot of my conversations and debates I keep coming to the same, more general conclusion about thought and mankind. 

I believe that mankind is constantly striving for an understanding of human nature (and the world at large), but I am not certain whether this understanding can be achieved. I've mentioned before how complex I think human beings are - can we really break ourselves down to a simple, all-encompassing formula? From the perspective of someone at university, I often focus on the fact that everyone has decided upon different subjects, and I see these subjects as people's different approaches to understanding ourselves. For example, in Art History lectures we're constantly reflecting upon the human condition using a variety of works - from the extremes of Caspar David Friedrich to Mark Rothko. When I took Psychology, we were assessing humans from all angles - developmental, social, neurological. Yes, all of these subjects have different approaches but we are after the same thing - a greater understanding of ourselves. And whilst we're doing this, we are creating our own ideas to get tangled in but at the same time, we are also reflecting upon the ideas of other people - there is a never ending spiral of thought. Since time immemorial, we have been trying to understand ourselves and have a wealth of academic discussion, art, technological development etc. as a result. Yes, many historical figures felt that they had discovered a pure truth and that their theory defied all others - just think of the style of Nietzsche's writing and have a chuckle to yourself. But, I think it can be argued, that no one has found the one answer, theory, equation to cancel all others. If they had we would not be continuing in our endeavours. So, sometimes, it seems to me that we are constantly searching for an understanding, from all angles, but maybe this truth cannot be unearthed in this manner?

I wouldn't see this as a negative thing or cause to give up on our efforts. There is so much personal gain to be made from trying to understand human nature. I just think of the euphoria I felt when I first read the work of T.S. Eliot, or the personal understanding upon standing before the work of Van Gogh. These experiences are not a waste. This is going to sound horrendously nerd-ish, but there are real transcendental moments in academia. Furthermore, perhaps the answer is to change our approach to accessing an understanding of mankind? I still think humans are far too complex to be broken down by an all encompassing theory. However, further insight can be gained by potentially combining the approaches of numerous theories. At university, especially in philosophy classes, I have been so often encouraged to come down on one side of the argument and promote it entirely. I frequently do not do this and get reprimanded. But, I think doesn't that just show some sort of greater understanding? I appreciate that no theory can defy all others - that's why there are conflicting theories. Would it not be more sensible to draw from numerous theories or in proposing a theory admit that there may be other possibilities?

I'm sure the idea I have been proposing is in itself is flawed - sometimes it's much more succinct to just come down on the side of one idea. Furthermore, there are numerous people out there who are convinced that one theory is undeniable, for example ardent Kantian philosophers. Still, this is not a perfect thought and will probably need some tweaking over time - it was just a constant conclusion I needed to express.

Change Your Mind

This blog has become somewhat serious recently and I quite like it. My latest post produced a lot of conversations for me - notably, I was contacted by an acquaintance who thanked me for sharing my experience as they related to it, and as a result we have now become friends. So I'm glad that it came to something - and it shows that if you put yourself out there people can reach out in return.

This year has been about change and a time of extensive personal growth, so naturally I think the tone of my blog followed.
With that focus in mind, this post has come about.
I was talking to a friend earlier who drew attention to one of the changes in my lifestyle this year - I have started drinking alcohol again after roughly four years without it. I realised that I have not really discussed this change with anyone or properly articulated my feelings about it. So, as it often goes, a talk with a friend has led to another blog post.

I made the decision to not drink alcohol when I was sixteen (not that I'd had much experience of it before then). The events that triggered this decision were the deaths of my great aunt and uncle. I think I've only come to realise the extent of my pain regarding this subject and the true nature of my response to it.

I was particularly distressed by the nature of their deaths. My great uncle was the first to die (probably a result of his drinking and smoking habits) and my aunt struggled to handle caring for him towards the end of his life, which led her to drinking more. On the final night of my great uncle's life he was taken in to hospital and died early the next morning. My aunt was unable to be with him because she was too drunk to go in the ambulance with him. My uncle died alone in an unfamiliar place. I was aware of my anger towards my aunt at the time (something I now see as not completely reasonable because she was in an emotional state that could not handle the severity of the situation) and my distress over the nature of the nature of my uncle's death and the rest of my aunt's life (which consisted of further drinking to cope with being without him). However, I do not think I completely engaged with my feelings.

I believe that in my mind, in a very simple sense, I created a link between drinking and pain. It was something strongly negative for me. Therefore, I decided to not drink alcohol myself. I think I made this decision because of my bad association, but also because I felt I was in some way compensating for the nature of my uncle's death. I was so upset that he had to be alone that I vowed to never let that happen to anyone else.

Now I can see that this was not the best way to cope with my feelings. I masked my pain by focusing my energies on not drinking. I was also solely concentrating on the sad endings of their lives by taking this negative response. I did not focus on happy memories from my childhood - walking their dogs in the summer, having them over for christmas, listening to music in my family living room. I also disconnected from their characters - my uncle's wicked humour, my aunt's sweet nature (they both had such wonderful laughs). I was not taking in the whole picture anymore - I fixated on the sadness.

However, last summer things began to change. My family has most of their possessions and we have been sorting through them. This began to remind me of their lives as a whole. If I could use one word to describe them it would be 'joy'. There was such a pure joy and contentment surrounding them - to be near them was to be part of a constant celebration of life. I also began to talk about them and their deaths with people. I explored my emotions properly. I only really discussed them with my parents and I had neglected preserving a positive memory of them. I particularly remember walking through Rome with a tutor from the art history course I took last year - I had to describe them to someone who did not know them and began to remember how important it is to share them and celebrate their lives. Through things like this, I began to break away from my attitude towards alcohol and my sadness over them (naturally I will always be sad about them but not to such an extent).

This past academic year, as many know, has been hard. One evening I got particularly upset and went for the extreme response, which resulted in drinking a lot with some friends. Once again, I was associating drinking with pain. I thought it would be a good way to escape my distress for an evening. I have not drunk that much since - although by the standards of some other students I was hardly drinking anything. Afterwards I realised that it was a silly response to my sadness (hence not letting it happen again), but also took some time to reflect upon it.

I realised that the link with my aunt and uncle, and my pain had diminished since I had made the decision to not drink. My decision was something that I no longer had to cling to. I found that I could finally let go. I think we can often get caught up in our own patterns of behaviour and forget why we do them. It is positive to challenge yourself and see whether what you are doing is necessary anymore. I realised that four years was enough and that I was not properly engaging with my feelings - just hiding behind a lifestyle choice. Furthermore, it was not a particularly positive choice as it reinforced my focus upon the negative.

Now I am able to recall the positive memories of my aunt and uncle, and also go to the pub with friends from time to time.

To be honest, I think I'd still prefer a good cup of coffee but am developing an appreciation for a soothing glass of wine or a sweet cider.