'You're gonna make me lonesome when you go'

Irritatingly I'm the one who had to 'go', so I have only myself to blame really.

At the moment I'm really missing someone.
In a way I don't think I've really missed anyone before.

I've missed my family during this semester at university.
There are moments when I've really wanted to go home and lean on them when life has been feeling a bit rough.
But I didn't miss them like this.

I'm missing this person to the point where I'm wanting to just hop on a train to be off for a day in St Andrews before coming back home again.
I often think about them, what it would be like if they were here or of all the little things I'm missing.
The really little things are difficult to be without.
A knowing smile, brushing my hair, holding my hand, making me laugh, creating funny little drawings.

And all the technology keeping us in contact seems harsh and really not enough.
And all the silly things I want to say but which really sound pathetic in comparison to how you feel.

I don't want to sound ungrateful either.
I'm really happy to be back home with my family and to be spending christmas with them.
Everything is familiar and comfortable.
We can just switch back in to our old habits and ways of being with each other like I had never left.
I always feel that my family is closest at this time of the year.
We look back on our year together and let each other know how blessed we are to be together and how much we love and appreciate each other.

I just suppose there's another important person in my life now and it's ok to want to be with them too.
I think being without someone does really test how much you care about them.
I have a friend whose boyfriend is living in a different country from her for a large part of the year.
I always admired their commitment to each other but never really understood how incredibly difficult that must be for her.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and this heart is feeling very fond.

'Love's not a competition. But I'm winning'



The title of this blog is a Kaiser Chiefs song that I really like, which has also been covered by Paramore, and it kind of relates to what I want to write about today.

An article was recently published in the official newspaper for students at my university.
This article is about relationships but it has a very cynical perspective of them.
My boyfriend is actually aiming to write a response article to the author because we were both so frustrated by reading it.
Whilst I don't have his confidence I just thought I'd blog about it instead.

In summary, the article states that all relationships are a competition for control and the second you let it be known that you really care about your significant other you essentially lose this competition.
In my Psychology class last year I studied the psychology of relationships and similar theories have been produced. For example, equity theory. Many of these psychological theories claimed that when in a relationship we aim to gain as much as we can from our partner whilst giving as little as we can in return.

These claims don't sit well with me.
Are human beings really that self-centred. I hope and really don't think that we are.
I thought I would just pick out a couple of quotes from the article that really frustrated me.

The author of the article began with: "The happiness of your relationships is, inherently, determined by how much control you have. When you like the other person less than they like you, you're in control".
Is that what we are all really after? Control? Will that make us happy? I know that's certainly not what I look for in any of my relationships, let alone romantic ones. I know it seems a little extreme, but for me this statement just provokes the image of a girl dragging a hopelessly smitten guy around everywhere and treating him like dirt because she can. I'm sure we've all seen someone in a relationship like that. It's not something to aspire to. Having that sort of control over someone would make me uncomfortable.

The author claimed that when a man makes his affections for his girlfriend known he "has, in addition to losing his testicles, lost in his relationship". Is he really insinuating that a man loses his masculinity for expressing affection? Are we in high school again? Are we really going to start making fun of guys for showing a 'feminine' emotion? This struck me as really juvenile. Furthermore, a man does not have to express his emotions and become any less masculine as a result. You do not instantly turn in to one of those lovestruck guys I'm sure we've all encountered in our lives. And if you're happy to be that guy and that's how you really feel then why not? I feel this a 'macho' perspective some guys really need to get over. I would have much more admiration for someone who would have the 'balls' to express his feelings and withstand whatever childish comments came his way.

The author further advises "If they think you can walk away from them at any moment, so more the better". Really? The way to succeed in your relationship is to keep your significant other on edge the whole time? I thought you were in a relationship with someone you care about? Why treat someone you like in that way? Another image springs to mind of girls in my high school desperately trying to please neglectful boys they were going out with to ensure that they didn't leave them. This isn't the way to treat someone you care about.

The author left the reader with these conclusions: "It isn't about their happiness. It's about yours" and "Put in as little as possible and get out as much as you can. It's the only way to win". This is what really frustrated me. If you truly care about someone then you care about their happiness. I'm not running for Miss World or anything, but a fair amount of my happiness comes from witnessing the happiness of others. Think of giving someone a present for their birthday that you've been thoughtful about and witnessing their happiness. I would really like to think that we are not the selfish beings this guy has made us out to be. I'm sure we are all aware of self-indulgent moments that we have, in a sense that is part of human nature, but that doesn't mean we have to behave badly as a result.

I don't want to give a naive answer depicting relationships as perfect the entire time. They are not and you are not going to be constantly on cloud nine. You have to think about someone other than yourself and what I will give the author of this article credit for is that you sometimes do compromise and not 'win' in a sense.
However, what the guy who wrote this article does not acknowledge is how extraordinary what you gain from a relationship can be. What he does not consider is the magnitude of what you gain and that fact that if you really care about someone it is rare for you to feel like you are sacrificing something.
For me being in a relationship isn't about winning and it never will be.
You're not in a competition or fight with your partner.
Isn't being in a relationship with someone like having won already?

I'm sure the guy who wrote the article would conclude that I am deluded and being naive.
But, really, I'd rather gain my happiness from my 'naive beliefs' than from gaining control over someone or a relationship.

'Starry Night'

This painting is 'Starry Night' by Van Gogh.
It's definitely one of my favourite paintings and I have a little copy on my wall at university.

I've been staring at it a lot today and thought I'd like to write about it.

I think this is one of the most beautiful representations of the world.
The colours, the texture, the patterns.
I love how extraordinary he has made the sky.
Something I do often is look up at the night sky and I really do think it is extraordinary.

This picture makes me think of a conversation I had with my mum in the Museum of Modern Art in New York.
I told her that I felt Van Gogh's paintings were like dreams.
The whole environment seems to have a softness but at the same time it is so vivid.
I've dreamed about just walking around inside one of his paintings before.
I'm not entirely sure why, but to me the environment seems to have such a benevolence about it and a calmness.

After I've had a long, tiring day or if I've experienced something difficult I always look at 'Starry Night' and feel a certain wave of peace.
I think it's an example of some of the extraordinary beauty human beings are capable of creating and of how incredible the world itself is.
The 'dream' is to have a larger copy hanging in my house one day.

Drinking

I have made a personal decision to not drink alcohol.
I made this decision about three years ago.
I decided not to drink for personal reasons and events that have occurred in my life.

It's not always easy living with this decision, especially because of being a teenager.
There is definitely a drinking culture that I am not a part of but can often find myself in the middle of.
It's difficult explaining my decision when first meeting people. My reasons have a very emotional basis and they are not something I'm especially keen to share when I first meet someone.
As a result I have had to face people mocking me or making me feel like I've done something wrong.
I'm very often stereotyped as a goody-two-shoes.

I occassionally feel in conflict with my decision.
It would be so much easier to just be part of the group and avoid creating an awkward situation for myself.
I often worry that I am holding people back.
I really appreciate that many of my friends who do drink make a point of not doing it around me.
Yet at the same time I worry about how frustrating or limiting my presence can be for them.

People have asked me if I would want them to stop drinking as well.
Regardless of my personal feelings, I would never feel that I should impose them upon anyone else.
People should make their own decisions about their behaviour and I would not feel comfortable controlling what someone else does.
If people want to drink that is their personal decision and I do not think any more or any less of them for it.
Many people find this strange but I don't really mind having others drink around me. I'm still capable of going to a party or a pub. My parents, my siblings, my relatives and a majority of my friends drink and I really don't have a problem with that.

I think the reason I am writing this blog is because the next day or so are going to be quite challenging for me.
There are some traditional celebrations being carried out by my university this weekend and alcohol does play a significant role in them.
I'm feeling quite anxious about what is going to happen.
Being the only sober one in a group is not especially fun and sometimes events like these do bring back distressing memories or trigger unhappy thoughts.
I'm also worried about frustrating other people or being pressured in to a situation I'm not comfortable with.

So once again I have had to sit back and ask myself what I want.
Do I want to avoid the celebrations all together? Do I want to let people know about my decision and some of the reasons behind it? Do I want to give in and feel like part of the group?

And funnily enough I think it's good that I have situations like these that remind me why I made my decision in the first place.
I think it's better that I keep clear in my mind why I am behaving in a certain way rather than going along with my decision just because it's what I've been doing for the last couple of years.

It would not be hugely harmful for me to drink alcohol at all.
I have drunk alcohol before.
I'm not an alcoholic or anything like that so I could easily drink with no catastrophic consequences.

But I think a consequence would be how I feel about myself.
If anything, this weekend has strengthened my convictions and made me feel that I am doing the right thing, despite the difficulties it does entail.
I am also so fortunate to have a group of friends who understand and do not mind me doing shots of tea!

To begin with.

I think it's a good idea for me to begin with why this blog has come in to fruition.

I have a tendency to drift off with my own thoughts and spend a lot of my time discussing different ideas with people. I have always loved writing and I have often found myself admiring other people's blogs. I had never really thought about writing one until someone suggested that I do it to write down my thoughts.
So here I am on a Friday night (what a rebel), playing some Mumford & Sons and setting up my own blog.

I would now like to explain the title 'Indigo Toast'.
When I was in year ten at school (I was roughly fifteen years old at that time) I was helping a girl decide a name for her future clothing line. I'm not entirely sure how we got to this point but 'Indigo Toast' was created. I can still remember how cool I thought the name was at the time. For me, 'Indigo Toast' combines the extraordinary and the regular. It's hard to explain, but I have always felt that the colour indigo is almost other worldly. Indigo is such a strong, deep colour that really engulfs you. My favourite example of indigo would be a shade the night sky can sometimes go. By contrast, toast is such a regularity for most people. It forms my breakfast most mornings. Yet, at the same time I think of toast as a homely, sociable thing. Some of my happiest memories are of sitting in groups during the evening at school eating toast and laughing with everyone or of having a lazy Sunday morning breakfast with my family. It appears these two words have deeper associations than I had thought of before. Anyway, I feel that 'Indigo Toast' summarises my manner and interests quite well. I have such a fascination with the extraordinary and yet, at the same time, I am drawn to the comfort and beauty I find in rather regular things as well.

I think the next logical step is to explain myself a bit more and then the purpose of this blog.

My name is Rachel. I am nineteen years old. I live in a part of England near London but am actually spending my time in St Andrews, Scotland for my university education. At the moment I am intending to gain a Psychology degree but I still have two years to explore further before I make a final decision about that. I am one of three sisters - the middle child - the best place to be in my opinion! The great loves of my life are music (listening - I'm a terrible musician), art (creating and observing), reading, theatre and travelling. I'm sure I will expand on all of these at another time.

So, the purpose of this blog. I intend to carry out the same sort of method that I do with my diary. My posts will most likely occur at random times, be unrelated but hopefully serve some sort of purpose. What I like about the internet is that I can include pictures and videos as well - so that will be done! This blog is really an outlet for me to write about thoughts I have, things I like and things that have happened to me. Lets just hope I do it well!