Little.

I think the lightest, smallest things can feel so perfect every now and then. Little moments you take for yourself to observe something you think is lovely. I have the tendency to take photos for a 'cloudy day' of these little moments - so that I can keep reminding myself that there are beautiful things out there.

Late night tea and cake with a dear friend...

... Some alone time reading and drinking coffee.

Exploring a new city...

... Returning to your own and remembering why you love it.

Going on a walk around the lanes and discovering new treasures...

... Lying in the sun in your garden and admiring the beauty there.

Reading a book and finding one person who really shares what you feel...

... Listening to a song with thousands of other people who share what you feel.

Cooking like a child and mucking about in the kitchen at home...

... Having an extraordinary dinner out with a loving group of friends.

Waking up to find your cat climbing in to bed for a snooze...

... Spending an exhausting day rushing about playing with the sweetest relatives.

Spending a late night at a beach bonfire singing with kind friends...

... Having an early morning breakfast excursion with a thoughtful friend.

Tummy Indulgence

I'm supposed to be sleeping before I have a full on day in London with my family tomorrow (ah isn't the holiday season just the best?) but am struggling to sleep. Those late nights working or staying up with friends at university have messed up my body clock big time. So I thought why not be productive and write up another blog? I always type one up and remember how much I miss it. I should really try and find a better balance with work. Ah well.

I mentioned in one of my summer blogs that since I'm living in a house this year I'd have the opportunity to cook for myself every day. Cooking is one of my favourite things to do - so creative and relaxing at the same time! This semester I started off slowly and have worked up to some fun stuff. I've already got so many plans for next semester's cooking it's ridiculous.

One of my fellow foodies and best friends, Gen, is my person to go on food excursions and discuss my latest cooking efforts with. We recently started talking about going out on some 'tummy indulgence' - hence the title of this blog. We've even named our food babies! She's crazy talented - makes pumpkin pie from scratch (no pre-made mixture for her!), has an ice-cream maker etc. Well she jokes that because she's Asian she has to take pictures of all her food - funnily enough this habit has caught on and now I'm photographing stuff I've made. I thought I'd post some pictures from this semester and get in a foodie frenzy. Ahhh yum yum yum!

Salmon. I love how 'sophisticated' this meal looks when it's so easy to put together. It impressed my mum at least! It's basically my dish for throwing together whatever vegetables I have and sprinkling a little pesto and parmesan on top.

Bread. I have always wanted to learn how to make bread. I don't know why it always seemed like such a wholesome idea? Well this term I decided I'd take up that challenge and I haven't been able to stop making bread since. I'm still shocked every time it rises in the oven! There is also nothing more rewarding or yummy than eating your own, freshly baked, warm bread - plus the kitchen smells amazing afterwards! I've only started with basic plain bread but my housemate wants to try honey and apple bread - doesn't that just sound immense?

Butternut Squash Mash. A number of my friends are vegetarians so I'm conscious of cooking for them and how delicious the food is when they cook for me. I think with vegetarian food there's much more of an effort to work with flavour so it always tastes so much better than if you were making vegetables to go with meat. My friends have got me on to experimenting with different veggie dishes and this is one of my favourites - butternut squash mashed with feta, nuts and coriander. You can eat it as a mash or make veggie burgers out of it.

Prawn and Coconut Laksa. Laksa is a spicy noodle soup that derives from Singapore - people have played about with it a bit so you get lots of different types. Again, the title makes it sound so complex and exotic but it's pretty easy to make. It's simply noodles, prawns, vegetable stock, coconut milk, coriander, spring onions and ginger. This dish has become my new comfort food - especially in helping survive freezing Scottish weather.

Oreo Truffles. I only started making these this year and now they've become my sort of 'thing'. It's always fun to make large batches and send them out to my friends. I did this a couple of weeks ago when everyone had deadlines and it was a lifesaver! They're so quick and easy to make it's insane. They're also so addictive that I have to hide them from myself.

My First Christmas Dinner. This year I made my first christmas dinner for some of my housemates. It tragically felt like a big step on the growing up scale! I've watched my parents make christmas dinner and helped with the easier parts for so many years that it felt odd to be in charge of it. Still it turned out pretty well - nothing disastrous happened and everyone lived so I'd count that as a success? 

Banana and Chocolate Bread Pudding. This picture was taken before I baked it - it looks rather slimy and gross otherwise! Bread and Butter Pudding was something my mum always tried to make me eat as a child - I don't know why I always had horrible images of it in my head as something that adults ate? Well I thought I'd give it a whirl and see what happened. It turns out it's become one of my new cooking obsessions. My friend accurately described it as being like 'eating a giant toastie'. The recipe I use has soya milk so now I can make it for my mum (she can't eat dairy) to apologise for ever doubting her taste!

                     

                                                          

Star Wars Treats. I had the opportunity to do some very creative baking for Greenpeace this semester. I just joined the St Andrews Greenpeace Society this year and have been having such a good time. It feels so good to be active and part of a team where you feel like there's real meaning to what you are doing. Greenpeace currently has an ongoing campaign against Volkswagen for their funding of the activities of groups lobbying against emission laws. The campaign was Star Wars themed which meant that I got to get creative in the kitchen. It took me a day to produce everything for the campaign and it was ridiculously fun. I ended up making: chocolate and raspberry Deathstar cupcakes, red velvet Princess Leia cupcakes, oreo truffle Ewoks and lemon biscuit Yodas.

La la la.

Hmmm so this blog hasn't been the cheeriest thing recently? Well, maybe sad poetry does it for some people? Bah, it could have been worse.

Anyway, I thought I'd turn that around with some lovely music. I've just had a couple of songs in my head recently that I think are fantastic. Do they go together? Not really. Are they similar? Not really. Ah well. They've been my soundtrack in the last few weeks of work before coming home for the holidays! I find myself creating a ridiculous amount of facebook posts with music people should listen to so I thought I'd cut that down and post a bunch on here instead.

1. Pumped up Kicks (Acoustic) - Foster the People

I've really come to like the acoustic version of this song over the original. Not that the original isn't great in itself and people should listen to that too. Just what I noticed when listening to this is that the upbeat style of the original song masked the incredible lyrics. It's quite sinister really (did I say this blog was supposed to be more uplifting? Whoops!) but tells an interesting story. Also in losing the heavy layering of instruments etc. the beauty of the tune on the guitar and the warm quiver of Mark Foster's voice really come to light.

2. Holocene - Bon Iver

What was that about making this blog cheerier?!? Well, to be fair, I don't find this song sad. I find it beautiful but I can see why people may read it as sad. The subject isn't particularly happy and there is the usual melancholy in Justin Vernon's voice but... I find it so light and dreamy. Justin Vernon does have the most otherworldly voice - it's especially striking considering that when you look at the guy he really looks like some rough lumberjack who should be out in the forest shooting deer or something?

3. The Fear - Ben Howard

The song title may not suggest it but I swear this is happier! I've had this discussion with so many people - a beautiful voice or a powerful voice? For me it's always a powerful voice. I will always prefer a voice where I can feel the artist's energy and expression. Ben Howard is my new 'powerful voice' - he's up there with Florence Welch, Marcus Foster, Newton Faulkner, Adele, Gotye etc. I just love his roughness and that broken quality that goes so well with the guitar.

4. Every You, Every Me - Placebo

I know a lot of people think Placebo aren't happy but I think the energy and power in their reflections breaks away from this. Lyrically and musically there's a rawness and a franticness to them that I really love. You really feel like you're in the ramblings of someone's head - there's no hesitation or guise. Lyrically, especially in this song, there is such honesty about the narrator's character flaws and their violently passionate relationship with their partner. Anger and passion is a powerful combination and I think that's how I'd describe Placebo.

5. Midnight City - M83

This is my new motivation/dance song. M83 never fail to provide good electronic music to walk down the street to. Like most of these artists, in their later work I think M83 developed a greater subtlety and energy in their new tracks. Also the saxophone at the end makes me nostalgic and wishing that I had the time to pick mine up again - in the instrument world it is the definition of 'cool'.

6. No Light, No Light - Florence + The Machine

I know Florence got a lot of slack for this video, which is a shame because I think it's the best song from the new album, so I'll ignore the video for now. My favourite track on the last album was 'Cosmic Love' and I think this is a development of that style. The song begins so beautifully and then swoops in to the dramatic Florence everyone loves. She has a powerful voice but I think the start of this song demonstrates how beautiful and soaring it can be. Lyrically, it's a really interesting focus on the lightness and darkness of a relationship.

7. For You - Tracy Chapman

I can finish on a happy note! Not that I don't think the other songs are great and they make me happy - they just don't seem very happy. Ah! so be it. Tracy Chapman is a goddess. This song is simply her singing the loveliest lyrics known to man twice round. Just her voice and an acoustic guitar. Tracy Chapman's simplicity and her beautiful deep voice make her timeless. People know her for 'Fast Car' (which hands down is utterly divine) but I think her other songs should be explored as well - she's by no means a one song artist.

And he would never know

And he would never know the cracks in her smile,
as he looked upon her with the eyes of a child,
And he would never know the strain in her eyes,
as he never understood her sighs,
And he would never know the hole in her heart,
despite being the one who put it there at the start.

Stopped the Earth

Your love stopped the earth,

Every other experience was of little worth.

Caught in time - just you and me,

And that's how I always wanted us to be.

We had faith in each other,

But ultimately faith kept us from one another.

I wrote that a couple of months ago. It's not particularly complicated or sophisticated writing, but I still quite like it. It came back to me a few days ago and out of all the things I've written it's one of my favourites. 

You and I

I actually wrote this blog just over a month ago in the summer holidays (sigh) and then lost internet for a long time, so I never got round to editing or publishing it. It just concerns me being my usual self and reading too far in to things. Anyway, I still think this is an interesting video and has a lot to say for itself.


I'm not a particularly big Lady Gaga fan but I do really like this song and I think the music video is intriguing. After first watching the video it plagued my mind for a couple of days - I showed it to a number of people and tried to understand it.
What does the video mean? Why is Lady Gaga being experimented on? Why does she start making out with her male self?

Like much of Lady Gaga's work, I think the message of this video is whatever you interpret it to be. Everyone I've talked to has focused on a different aspect of the video - we see what is significant to us. I thought I'd write a little bit about what I drew from this video. 

For me the video seems to be a commentary on relationships. When I first viewed it I was going through a rough time so it spoke to me.
When you're in the transition to becoming an 'adult' (yikes!) you discover a lot about yourself. I think one of the key ways to find out about yourself is through relationships. You share your life with someone and tend to have to reflect upon it at the same time. You are also forging a new identity as 'Blah blah's partner' and that often involves change.
This video focuses on the tie between relationships and identity. How much should you change for someone else? How important is your sense of self?

There are two particular ideas I found in the music video that I would like to focus on. Firstly, the way a relationship can change you. Secondly, your relationship with yourself.

So, to start with - the way a relationship can change you.
Lady Gaga spends a fair amount of the video as a mermaid. I'm not entirely sure why she's a mermaid - probably just something cool she could pull off? When completely in her mermaid form Lady Gaga is either being romantic with or experimented on by her lover. In later scenes, after her transformation, there are allusions to her having been a mermaid. For example, in one scene she's naked in the form of a woman but is wearing shoes similar to the shape of a mermaid's tail. Similarly, in the marriage scene Lady Gaga has blue make up on her cheekbones - mirroring where her gills were in the mermaid scenes.

Change from a relationship can be a positive and negative thing - I think this video supports this view. Change can be positive in that, hopefully, the person you are with makes you want to strive to be a better person. They should bring out the best in you. Change can be negative in that you can lose a sense of personal identity as you become part of a pair. In trying to meet what your partner wants you can lose too much of yourself.
In this video there are aggressive scenes where Gaga's lover is experimenting on her and her pain is evident - the negative part of changing in a relationship. Parts of the video that I find more sinister are when she appears sedated and does not resist her transformation - something I'm sure we've seen in friends in relationships.
However, the more positive aspects of the video that I noted were her mermaid's tail shoes and blue makeup resembling gills that I mentioned earlier. These are symbols of her maintaining her identity in her relationship. Despite her lover's violent efforts she stays true to herself. I think this idea is particularly prominent in the marriage scene - she is simply in white (a strong contrast to her usual elaborateness) but she maintains her quirkiness with her blue makeup and her expressions are so endearing.
I think change thanks to a relationship is a fine balancing act. If that person helps you to flourish then change is a wonderful thing. Just don't struggle to the extent where you're striving to meet unnatural expectations. Positive change in a relationship requires the blossoming of something that is already there. 

The second aspect of the video that triggered the most thought for me were the scenes where Lady Gaga is playing a piano in a field and sitting on top of it is her dressed as a man. It gets particularly peculiar when she starts getting rather intimate with her male counterpart. This is the part of the video that has had the most 'shock-factor' in the media and a part that I interpreted as having an important message. I think this section of the video is about your relationship with yourself - an important relationship that we often forget about because it's more abstract. The message from this scene is that you have to remember to love yourself - maybe in Lady Gaga's case a little too much?! Despite whatever may be happening in the rest of your life you should always remember to care for yourself. We can get so caught up in ensuring that others are okay or trying to meet people's expectations that we forget to have some sensible self-interest. I know that I am my greatest critic and it is important for me to respect myself. The person you should always be answering to is yourself - people have a lot more power than they give themselves credit for and can often look to others instead of looking within.

I also thought it was rather interesting that for a particularly elaborate woman Lady Gaga has such a subtle and almost bare appearance when she's in this scene. I interpreted this as symbolising that you can't hide anything from yourself - everything is laid out. The good in this is that you can be comfortable and aware in your own the skin. The bad is that you do have to live with your behaviour - reinforcing my idea that the person you should always answer to is yourself. Make yourself proud. 

AHA - Nerdy Explosive Love of Wonderful Wonderful Italian Art Blog!!!

So this is now the more art focused geeky blog about the beautiful things I saw in Italy. It's been interesting to let some time pass after being in Italy and reflect on the trip again. Conclusions: I still love Italy. I would still go back there in a heartbeat. AHA is still one of the best things that ever happened to me.

I am so so sorry to anyone who ever gets caught up in a conversation with me about the trip - I will get very emphatic, have a slightly crazed glint in my eye and not shut up for a good hour or so.

Now onwards with the geeky blog!
I have tried to cut this down to a limited number of art works... but just bear with me on that front.
I'm sorry about the quality of some of the pictures - I used some of my own but had to nab a lot off the internet - we weren't allowed to photograph everything.

'Assumption of the Virgin' - Titian (The Frari - Venice)

This was the first artwork on the trip that really had me in awe. What's incredible about this altarpiece is that it works so well with the rest of the church - something people should go to The Frari to experience. Still, here's my crummy attempt at trying to explain why it works so well. If you stand in front of the main doors of the church (where there is a big open space) and look down towards the altar it's a powerful experience. Just before the altar a large amount of space is taken up by choir stalls and there is an arch as you enter them - when standing at the back of the church you can see that the arch lines up perfectly with the altarpiece. The framing of the altarpiece draws you to it and Titian's warm, bold colours are so strong even from far away. What I really like about the Frari is that at the back of the church you have a very open space and as you get closer to the altar the space gets more intimate. I developed a nice theory with my tutor that the church layout represents life - you have all this space at the beginning to experiment and possibly make mistakes but a close experience with God in the afterlife is at the end of all of this. 

My tutorial group started at the back of the church and gradually moved to sit in front of the altar - this is where Titian's work was at its most powerful for me. If I had to suggest what is most impressive about this work I would say how accessible it is. The colours are so warm and have a sort of gentle glow that really encompasses you - I was lucky to be there in the early morning when the light was just coming through the altar windows in a gentle haze. I also find the figure of Mary particularly interesting - her gaze upwards gives a sense of awe but her open arms show her faith. I could go on and on about this altarpiece but I'll leave it there for now. Titian is just... ahhhh... such a genius!


The Basilica of Sant'Antonio (Padua)

To be fortunate enough to have stood in Sant'Antonio is something I will treasure for a long time. Architecturally outside and inside it is beautiful. However, I'm not going to focus on the architecture. I think what makes this church so special is the atmosphere inside of it - you can't take a picture of that and I know my explanation will never capture how moving it is to be in that church. St Anthony is the saint specifically prayed to when one feels lost. The tomb of St Anthony is in the church and therefore it is a site of pilgrimage for lost souls - it is custom for people to lay their hand on St Anthony's tomb and pray. On certain parts of the tomb photographs or objects related to the lost being prayed for are displayed. It's an overwhelming experience to look at the photographs and pleas for help. 

Before the trip I had some hard experiences and upon entering the church I thought that I would lay my hand on St Anthony's tomb and ask for guidance. However, the second I got in there, before I'd even seen the tomb, I knew that I didn't need to anymore. The hopeful yet reverent atmosphere of the church took me in entirely and I felt a wave of calm pass over me. I went to the tomb and looked at the photographs of truly lost people - I laid my hand on St Anthony's tomb and thanked God for my life. We all go through trials and sometimes it seems like you're not getting anywhere but really upon reflection it could be so much harder. I've had a blessed life - it doesn't go smoothly all the time - but there is so much to be thankful for. It's experiences like being in Sant'Antonio that remind you of this. 


The Scrovegni Chapel - Giotto (Padua)

To be in the Scrovegni Chapel is a real privilege. The chapel is decorated entirely in frescoes which are extremely delicate - there's a scientific explanation about why the painted image starts to fade on the plaster but I won't get in to the nerdy details. Groups of limited numbers are allowed in to the chapel at a time and we all had to be dehumidified before entering it - that's how delicate the work has become. Giotto's frescoes illustrate the lives of Joachim and Anne (the virgin Mary's parents), the life of the virgin Mary, the life of Jesus and the last judgement. Whilst on a grand scale the chapel is absolutely beautiful, I was really touched by the minor details - something you need to be in the chapel to observe. Whilst Giotto's work accurately depicts passages from the bible, he adds minor details that are observations from life - certainly not laid down in the bible. For example, there is a depiction of Joachim and Anne embracing - as they kiss Anne is stroking his beard - it's a very simple gesture Giotto has added to the scene but it brings such tenderness to it. Another example of Giotto's skill is his scene of Judas betraying Jesus with a kiss. Giotto depicts Jesus staring calmly but directly in to Judas' eyes as he betrays him - there is such power and knowledge in him from a minor detail added by Giotto. Giotto is a master of understanding and portraying human mannerisms.

'Holy Trinity' - Massaccio (The Santa Maria Novella - Florence)

I haven't used a picture of the entire work for a reason. Whilst as a whole it is spectacular and there are so many aspects of it that I could talk about - I have decided to focus on one. Mary is commonly the aspect everyone focuses on - and that's for a good reason. I could try and be out of the box and focus on another part of the work but her presence is completely unavoidable. This depiction of Mary reduced a member of my tutorial group to tears and has an intensity I was amazed that art could be capable of. This is such a unique depiction of Mary - in most portrayals she is a motherly or lamenting figure. The anger and accusatory gaze of Massaccio's Mary is so powerful that when the work was first seen people thought she was real. Her gaze and hand gesture suggests to the viewer - 'You did this. The sins of mankind are responsible for the death of my son'. Her gaunt face, heavy eyes and the arm holding her clothing close to her chest emphasise her vulnerability and utter despair at the death of her son. It is often said that the worst thing a mother can experience is the death of her child - Massaccio's Mary is the ultimate depiction of a grieving mother.

'Annunciation' - Pontormo (Santa Felicita - Florence)



The centre of this picture should be entirely ignored - Pontormo's work is Gabriel on the left and Mary on the right. In terms of colour, delicacy and light I think this is one of the most beautiful works of art I have ever seen. I bought about five different postcards which focus on varying aspects of this work because I think it is so lovely. Whilst most people focus on Gabriel, I think both figures are equally beautiful. My tutor said 'That Gabriel is love. He doesn't need any explanation.' I think she's entirely right. The awe and contentment on Gabriel's face as he basks in Mary's beauty is incredibly romantic. The softness of her gaze passes over him and encompasses every aspect of his being - it's present in the tilt of his head, the swirl of his clothing, the gentle strokes of his wings etc. Ahhh I could ramble on about what a divine figure he is for a long time but I think I'll leave it here. I think Pontormo's depiction of Mary is one of the loveliest in the world. Sadly you can't see the detail in this picture but her face has a softness and innocence, yet there's a certainty in her gaze. She's a gentle character but has an element of strength. The light falls so elegantly across her face and clothing. Again, it's not visible in this picture but the soft light brings forward different hues of pale blues and mauves to frame her elegant face. In terms of colour, expression and light I think Pontormo is an absolute god!

'The Deposition' - Michelangelo (Museo dell'Opera - Florence)

I was lucky enough to see Michelangelo's David in Florence and he is just incredible. However, this was the work by Michelangelo that struck me. This was the only sculpture Michelangelo created for his own personal pleasure and not for commission. What's really remarkable is that he created this in his seventies - imagine how dedicated to his work he must have been? And imagine how agile he was at that age to still be physically pushing himself to sculpt? There's a tragic story behind this work - whilst making it Michelangelo discovered a flaw in the marble (I think it was a vein in the arm or leg of Christ?) Michelangelo had worked on the sculpture for roughly ten years so his fury was understandable when he discovered the flaw - as a reaction he started hacking away at the sculpture and you can see some of the damage today. 

What I love about Michelangelo's work is that whilst his figures often have an overwhelming physicality, there's also an emotional level to them. When I stood before this work the thing that had me in awe was Mary's tenderness upon holding her dead son. Christ's body has such a sense of heaviness - the exaggerated muscularity contrasts with the limpness of his limbs and roll of his head. By contrast Mary is just gently resting her head against this hulk-like figure, with her eyes closed - being a comfort even in death. The gesture between Mary and her son in this work just had me in awe. It's almost like Christ is just exhausted and she's lulling him to sleep. It made me think of all the times I've come home from a hard day and my parents let me lean against their shoulder. Michelangelo captured the love between parent and child perfectly.

'Magdalene Penitent' - Donatello (Museo dell'Opera - Florence)

This is the only piece of art I've cried in front of. Our tutor had the incredible idea of taking each member of the tutorial group separately to stand in front of her. Magdalene is life size - so it felt like you were standing in front of a real person. It was extremely powerful to be the only person standing in the room with her and look her in the eye. 

This is Donatello's depiction of Mary Magdalene in the desert after the death of Christ. Donatello's Magdalene is an embodiment of strength and frailty. The effects of her penitence are evident in her gaunt face and withered body. However, her praying hands, the traces of gold that cover her body and her piercing blue eyes show her faith and strength. I think she moved me to tears because her sense of grief was so powerful to me. Her dishevelled appearance made me think of the state of my great aunt after my uncle died. The disintegration and personal neglect you can undergo once you've lost the most important person in your life is harrowing. I think the contrast between Donatello's Magdalene and my great aunt is that Magdalene still had the hope and strength that my aunt lost towards the end of her life. I became very caught up in the suffering of Magdalene and my tutor simply reminded me 'There was hope'. I think the hope Magdalene embodies is something I had overlooked and it is as important as her suffering. Despite her dishevelled appearance she has a simple strength and looking at her in that way gave me a new perspective.

'The Sistine Chapel' - Michelangelo (Vatican City)

This photograph and all other photographs I have seen of the Sistine Chapel do not do it justice. I went to the chapel with the idea in my head that it was quite dark and that the colours in it are quite muted. Whilst the lower half of the chapel is quite dark, when you look up at the ceiling it is so light and has bright colours. Standing and just gazing up at the Sistine Chapel ceiling really is a remarkable experience. I understand that when things are overly discussed and revered you can become sceptical about them or even disappointed upon finally seeing them. When people discuss how entrancing it is too look at the Sistine Chapel they are not exaggerating. Michelangelo's use of colour and ability to project figures forward makes you feel like there is this entire world above you. There is such a vibrance to the ceiling that I honestly felt I could just float upwards and enter it myself.

'Apollo and Daphne' - Bernini (Villa Borghese - Rome)

I love love love Bernini and was lucky to see a lot of his work at the Villa Borghese. It was hard deciding which of his sculptures to write about - there are so many and they are all incredible. However, at the end of the day, my favourite Bernini sculpture is always Apollo and Daphne. Again, this picture just cannot do this work justice - you really need to walk around it to appreciate all of the different angles of it. Upon seeing it I kept thinking 'I can't believe this was once a block of marble. Surely it entered the world in this state?' The sculpture has such extraordinary grace. The incredible detail, such as the leaves sprouting from Daphne's fingers, the flow of Daphne's hair and the swirl of Apollo's clothing just seems so beyond man made. When you look at this work it just looks like they're gliding through the air together. This work has the unbelievable combination of delicacy and dynamism. 

A cool experience, that happened entirely by accident, was that by drifting off in the Villa Borghese I ended up amongst the sculptures by myself when it was time for everyone to leave. I will always remember the magical experience of just standing before Benini's work entirely alone.

'Madonna del Pellegrino' - Caravaggio (Sant'Agostino - Rome)

This year at university I learnt about Caravaggio and fell in love with his work. There were a number of works I learnt about specifically, including this one, but I always placed this work to one side and focused on what I thought to be his more dramatic and interesting works (e.g. The Calling of St Matthew, The Martyrdom of St Peter etc.) However, after standing before this work, it has become my favourite work by Caravaggio. I was discussing the painting with my tutor and she told me that she felt the work is about Mary's strength - and then it just clicked. This work has a hugely emotional element to it that I had been entirely ignorant of until I actually stood in front of it. When I finally realised the emotional importance of the work I just turned to my tutor and said 'My god, it's a version of the pieta isn't it?' The pieta is a depiction of Mary holding the dead body of her son. What makes Caravaggio's work so powerful is that in this picture Christ is still an infant. At the crucifixion it has been estimated that Christ was about 33 years old but what I think this picture represents is that in Mary's eyes he was still a child - her child. This portrayal alludes to her sacrifice and her strength - she endured the loss of her son - the worst thing that can happen to a mother. 

I saw so many beautiful pieces of art on the trip. I keep going through this blog and my AHA notebook and thinking 'Oh I loved that! Why didn't I write about that?!' Still, I have decided to not bore everyone to death and try to keep it limited - that didn't really work out in the end but oh well!

When we were at the Biennale in Venice I came across an interesting film where people were talking about the impact of art etc. There was a man who said 'Art is the best way to define life'. I think that's true. We often get frustrated that we can't quite vocally convey an experience accurately - art is a form of expression that says what words can't. I think this blog is evidence of this idea. All of the works I have written about touched me and I will treasure the memory of my visceral reactions when I stood before them. These works communicated so much to me that here I am trying to communicate their message to you. 

Art History Abroad - Venice, Florence & Rome

I've decided to write two blogs about my art history trip. One will give my general observations and feelings about the trip, whilst the other will get a bit more nerdy and discuss particular works of art that I loved.

The two weeks spent on this trip have been two of the best weeks of my life. I saw stunning art works, met extraordinary people and rediscovered my sense of self. The entire trip I had such a strong feeling of joy - this confirmed a lesson my parents have always taught me - you become truly happy by doing what you love.

I thought I would break down my observations from the trip in to sections - it makes reading and organising my thoughts that much easier.

Venice


Venice is an extraordinary place to be. I first visited Venice for my mum's birthday celebrations a couple of years ago (the only place on the trip I'd been to before). I expected that because I'd been there previously it would be a less astonishing place for me to visit - I was wrong. When I first visited Venice with my family I had barely skimmed the surface of what it is like - we stuck to well known areas and carried out little exploration. The benefit of being on the art history course is that our tutors took us to places it would be hard to discover by yourself. Things I loved about Venice were the romantic side streets, hidden art treasures, being near the water and the relaxed social atmosphere. There really is no other place like it in the world. Venice was a maze I could happily get lost in for days - each corner brings a new discovery.

Specific experience:
A specific experience I will always remember is being on the water bus. I know you're now probably thinking 'Rachel you were in Venice for crying out loud and all you can write about is transport?!?' Well I once had a particularly long journey on it (45 minutes or so) and got to take in a little bit of what it must be like travelling around Venice every day. Whilst on the water bus I was thinking about travelling on buses in England. The atmosphere on a water bus is so much friendlier and I found it such a novelty to be on the water. I kept thinking 'whilst this seems so incredible to me - for some people this must just be every day life'. A particularly funny moment was when a commuter in his smart work suit got utterly drenched as a boat sped closely by the water bus - no one in London would be expecting to get showered in water on their regular journey to work.

Florence


My only form of reference for what Florence would be like was the novel and film 'A Room With A View'. Sadly George Emerson was not there crying out poetry in the Tuscan countryside but hey maybe next time? Florence is one of the loveliest cities I have ever been to. Whilst having large buildings with more commercial areas it also had some lovely hidden places - the perfect balance. I'm not entirely sure why but Florence had a particularly calming influence upon me. It was a place I immediately felt comfortable in and I loved taking my spare time to mooch around the streets to find a quiet place to do some rather poor drawing. In terms of art, Florence holds the majority of my favourite works. A lot of the art in Florence got the most emotional reaction out of me - Donatello's Magdelene, Michelangelo's Deposition, Aretmisia Gentileschi's Judith and Holofernes, Santo Spirito, Donatello's St George etc. (More will be written about them in my nerdy blog!) For me, Florence was a relaxed environment where I got to indulge in some of the loveliest things I have ever seen. Oh and it has the best steak in the world (a very important part of the Rachel Prosser diet!)

Specific experience:
An experience in Florence I will never forget is going on the carousel in the Piazza della Repubblica. This was a moment of pure joy. Before going on the carousel I had spent my morning in awe of the sculptures in Orsanmichele, Museo del Bargello and Museo D'Opera. A lot of the works I had seen triggered thought beyond the art work and the last sculpture I saw (Donatello's Magdelene) produced the most powerful impact a piece of art has had on me in my life (I'll write properly about it in the nerdy blog). After reacting so strongly to Donatello's work I felt slightly drained and not entirely present. One of my friends on the trip was particularly sensitive to this and suggested we go on the carousel in our free time that day - it was the perfect remedy. We skipped up to the carousel like five year olds and genuinely started debating fanatically about which horse we wanted to go on. We were surrounded by children no older than four behaving with far more decorum than we were. Once on the carousel we were in absolute hysterics and having the time of our lives. I kept repeating 'I'm turning twenty in October!' and crying with laughter at the bemused faces of onlookers. It was a wonderful experience because we were without inhibition and having a moment of escape to the joy of being childish.

Rome


For me, Rome was the most overwhelming city. Everywhere you look there is something going on! It was amazing to move from the narrow streets of Venice and the calm atmosphere of Florence to the bustle of the large roads in Rome. I have never been in a place where you get such an intense sense of history. Standing in the middle of somewhere like the Forum has you in awe of the skill of those in the past. I'm conscious that we often think of how primitive people like our grandparents were, let alone people like the Ancient Romans. However, standing in the middle of the Forum or in front of the Pantheon reminds you of the overwhelming talent of man - regardless of the age they lived in. In terms of art, there was one idea that particularly struck me. My final afternoon in Rome was spent looking at the work of Caravaggio in different churches. For me, his work is particularly powerful (I could get very nerdy about this but I'll save it!) and I really feel like I could stand in front of it, perfectly content, for hours. I think it is so wonderful that there is the possibility of walking in to numerous churches in Rome (in Italy generally) and discovering masterpieces - it's a real contrast to often having to travel to galleries to see important works. I think it's appropriate for these works to remain in churches and not be transferred to collections - they were designed to be accessible and inspire man frequently and should remain so. I also think accessing these works in every day environments summarises my feelings about Rome - being there is like being in a constant work of art - everything is beautiful.

Specific experience:
I have been to a couple of operas in my lifetime but there is now one that will constantly stick out in my mind. Whilst in Rome we were lucky enough to be taken to see 'Tosca' one evening. What made the performance particularly special was that it was outside in the Baths of Caracalla. It was extraordinary to have the ruins of the Ancient Roman Baths as the background to the dramatic performance. The entire time I couldn't quite believe I was there and experiencing something so magical.

Food


How could I go to Italy and not talk about the food?! After studying tourism in Social Anthropology at university I am aware of trying not to build expectations upon stereotypes. However, the Italians totally ruined this approach. The first thing I saw when arriving in Venice was a woman carrying a stack of pizza boxes home for dinner! I have never eaten so much pizza, pasta and ice cream in such a short space of time. Coinciding with expectations, it was the best Italian food I have ever had - pizza bought for two euros on the street was better than anything I've paid for in an English restaurant. A funny thing is that I would often find myself thinking 'How do I ask for this food in Italian?' and then realising the name of it in English is an Italian word! (e.g. carbonara)

Weather


As an Englishwoman I think it's my duty to talk about the weather? The heat... and often the humidity was incredible. After spending a year at a Scottish university and accepting that I'd never see the sun again this was a shock to the system! I was still wearing cardigans or jackets to lectures in May! In Italy the temptation to go 'Oh to hell with it' and embrace your birthday suit was overwhelming. And you know what? Despite all this sun I'm still as pale as a ghost. In fact one of the most entertaining and bizarre episodes of the trip was when an Italian woman approached me in a shop, held her arm against mine and loudly shared how unbelievably pale I was with her friend! Haha!

Men


No worries here - this blog isn't about to get particularly racy. Italian men are an interesting subject. Before I went on this trip I was often told 'Oooh you can go and eye up some lovely Italian men!' Actually, my conclusion would be that Italian men are not particularly lovely - quite the opposite. Italian men are not at all reserved in their approach to women (this was proven in Venice, Florence and Rome). They yell things like 'very nice' in the street, openly stare with no embarrassment and sometimes whistle. They have a very predatory approach that I found particularly uncomfortable. I had an interesting conversation about their approach with a friend on the course and we reached a shared conclusion. We found their behaviour particularly uncomfortable because they are not treating you like a person - just a body really. Still, if you ignore them then the initial shock over their behaviour lessens and they never did anything that would truly ruin my visit.

Harry Potter


Now this is a man I have time for! I was sad when I learned that I would probably not be able to see the final film for a while because I would be away - but heck I was going to be in Italy! Then whilst in Florence our tutors arranged to take us to see the final film - yessss! I dressed up with my friends at university for the first half of the final film - our red academic gowns worked particularly well as robes. For the final film our tutors encouraged us to go all out for the occasion and I was more than happy to! With my other diehard friends I wrote 'I <3 HP' on one cheek and drew a lightning scar on the other. My friend then had the amazing idea of drawing the sign of the deathly hallows on the back of my neck - I loved it! We went to a beautifully designed theatre to see the film. It seemed appropriate that I got to see the film I had waited most of my childhood for in the nicest cinema I've ever been in.

Overall, my experiences in Italy have been extraordinary. Upon my return home my family and friends noted a change in me. I think in spending a lot of time with one of my great loves (art) I had been reminded of the extreme happiness we are all capable of experiencing. I've had a pretty exhausting year at university (utterly amazing but there was a lot of change which can become overwhelming at times) and returning in a simpler manner to what I love was a good balance to this. I had some tough experiences before going to Italy and, as I told one of my tutors, I feel like the trip was a healing time for me. The people on the trip helped me build up my strength and provided me with incredible support, despite only knowing me for two weeks. 

Like I mentioned in one of my previous blogs, taking a little time to focus on yourself and reconnect with what your true passion is can help you rediscover strength you weren't aware you had. 

Paper Airplane

How many days should I smile with a frown because you're not around with the sun on your shoulders? 

Whilst I did just post a blog about finding your inner strength it's okay to feel the sadness too. You wouldn't be human if you didn't acknowledge it at some point. And it's an insult to experience if you can't express some emotion over it.
And I think Alison Krauss sings this so beautifully!

Me, Myself & I

Moments of challenge have a strange way of giving you a sense of clarity. A step back from your everyday life also gives you something similar.
Christina Aguilera has a song called 'Fighter' (released before she went down hill musically!). When I first heard it I thought 'Wow she's being melodramatic'. A part of me still thinks the song is an extreme but to an extent it makes a good point. Moments of struggle have always motivated me to work harder.
When you're going through something hard there's always the initial period of wanting to slither out of existence and wallow in a dark corner somewhere. Then there's this moment of strength - like a Phoenix rising from the ashes. It's very much a time to focus on what you need for yourself and draw from strength you can sometimes not be aware of.

Upon getting home from university this year I had a large span of free time ahead of me and the question of what to do with it. The transition from university life, along with some other struggles, brought on this Phoenix-like moment where I concluded that this summer is in part about what I can do for myself.

I have been motivated to:
- Organise some voluntary work at an art exhibition at Somerset House (I get to spend my shifts talking to visitors from all over the world about art and if I'm lucky there are extraordinary moments where people share aspects of their life with me).
- Pick up my driving lessons again (I was a very anxious driver when I started out and backed away from it for a while. I now have a new instructor who has been great and given me valuable reflections on life during my lessons).
- Sign up for a two week art history based tour of Italy (I'm going to Venice, Florence and Rome to be up to my neck in art and Italian culture - heaven!)
- Start running again (I only ran this year when I was home and that's pretty bad considering the amount I did in my last year at school. It's been hard but I'm getting back in to it).
- Reconnect with old friends and family (In talking to other people about what has happened in your time apart sometimes you can see things you weren't aware of before).

And then I've got a whole chunk of time in September after I'm back from my holiday with my family - who knows what I'll do then?!

Whilst moments of struggle are obviously horrible, I think they have a positive aspect to them.
They push you to pick yourself up and remind you to take care of yourself.
These Phoenix-moments aren't instant or consistent. It can be a while before you get there and you can sway between moments of weakness and strength.
However, once you've harnessed that strength it can be rewarding and remind you of what you can achieve.

Cooking

I cook when I'm stressed. I cook when I'm sad. I cook when I need a break to relax. I also cook at happy times - this isn't an activity especially reserved for the blues. It's one of my favourite things to do, so logically it makes sense that I do it when I'm sad. 

It was around the time of my a level exams that you could barely move in my house as you struggled against the mountain of food I'd created. I'd cook at least once every day. 

I remember watching an episode of The Simpsons where Marge has a break down and is cooking up a feast at about three in the morning. I thought 'Man. That's definitely the way I'd go'.

Luckily I've never reached the early hours cooking craze. 

Whilst cooking yesterday I reflected on why it is a reassuring thing for me to do. 

I think it's good because it's a form of creation. It's like a minor form of achievement. I've taken the basics and created something of my own. I can become creative and switch things around - I combine recipes a lot. And of course I get the satisfaction of the result - yum!

I also think cooking is quite a stable thing for me. I know what I'm doing. There are instructions and a sense of guidance. I know I can't really mess it up if I follow the guidelines - confirming the idea that this is something I can succeed in.
I think I have a strong instinct to have a sense of control. This is probably true for a lot of people. We like to know what's going on and why things are happening. I think cooking gives me a sense of control and understanding when other aspects of my life are difficult to handle.

Since I've been home from university I've also just been cooking a lot because I've missed it this year. It gives my mum a nice break and me the chance to improve.
Next year I'm living in a house instead of halls so I'll be cooking every day. I can't wait because I think it'll give me time each day to relax and indulge in what I enjoy most.

Some stuff I made: a vegetable broth-ish thing (lots of pak choi - yum!), almond and chocolate cookies (adding oats makes them have a nice grainy taste) and chicken chow mein noodles (a family favourite). 

My Honest Tribe

A couple of days ago I went to a stage show by Ruby Wax and Judith Owen called 'Losing It'.
Both women have tackled clinical depression and the show mainly focused on Ruby's experience. This subject opened the door to Ruby's reflections on life. She mentioned two ideas that stuck with me.
1. Finding your tribe
2. How much better the world would be if we were just honest with each other

So, firstly, on finding your tribe.
Ruby suggested that you can have a natural tribe of people with similar views and experiences.  You can find this tribe at any stage of your life and have deep connections with the members of it. She stressed that we are all 'lost creatures' trying to find commonality - our tribe.

Having just finished my first year at university this concept had some poignancy for me and brought a couple of conclusions to mind.
I think in a way I have found an important tribe at university. Being in a small all girls senior school I certainly hadn't found my tribe by the time I was 18. I had close connections with a couple of members of my year group, that I hope I'll keep going for a long time yet, but I wasn't part of a tribe. In being head girl and distanced academically from the rest of my year I do feel I spent a fair amount of my last year in isolation. I don't want this to seem some kind of sob story because I think that isolation was right for the time. It gave me focus and made me realise what kind of person I am. I think I really grew in my final year of senior school and this self-discovery has continued in to my first year of university.

Anyway, back to the point, I think at university I've found a sort of tribe. There are friends I've gained who I feel closer to than people I have known for more than ten times longer. I've found people with the same view of the world and I've found people who've challenged me to develop my own. In a way these connections are amazing, especially upon only having known these people for a year.
I don't think I have ever been so comfortable in myself or ever felt so valued as a person. And I think that is what has made returning home hard. Of course I have my biological tribe and I get to catch up on lost time with my family - who will always be a very important tribe for me. I still have those various close friends from school and I get the opportunity to reconnect with them. But I don't have my non-biological tribe and they are hard to be without. To make these connections, develop this 'family' and then experience separation is hard.

I will never forget one of my university friends saying after about 6 months of us knowing each other 'I know we haven't known each other long, and this may seem strange, but I do love you guys'. She was right. I do love my tribe - on a deeper level than people I have known for a longer time because I am finally with a group of people with whom I have a deeper level of understanding.

On to Ruby's second idea.
Ruby suggested that the world would be a better place if we were honest with each other. However, the type of honesty Ruby talked about was a unique kind I had not been aware of before. She wants the world to be more honest in terms of expressing our worries and weaknesses to each other. Her example: If someone asked her 'How are you?' she would reply 'Just like you. Dealing with the fear of loneliness and mortality'.
She wants us to be honest on the level of being open about our human frailty.

From a British perspective this is an interesting idea. The British stiff upper lip is a well known concept. The idea of being determined to keep going and not fall susceptible to our emotions. I'd say this is a fair concept and I was raised to carry on as best I could when things get tough. For me, Ruby's suggestion has a strong amount of appeal. What is this need for human beings to present themselves as strong at all times? We so want to be on top of life and in a position of understanding. Yet, we have all got these anxieties. I think that's another thing I've learnt over time - everyone has had trying experiences and everyone has worries (some more than others but they're still there).

Wouldn't the world be a better place if we could show our weakness to each other? If we could be honest and drop the pretence of being in control? If we could show each other that we are human?
I think some of my strongest relationships are with those whose weaknesses I have witnessed.
So I could keep emphasising that we should be honest with each other or I could do this myself.
Here's my honesty:
'Rachel how are you?'
'Just like you. Dealing with the anxieties of what to do with my life, whether I'll ever feel comfortable with my physical appearance and the need to feel loved'.

I think a way the concepts of 'the tribe' and 'being honest' come together is in getting to know other people.
In finding your tribe you can have these moments of honesty and they can be hard.
There are the dilemmas of: When is the time I share that one of my parents has had cancer? When is the time I share that I don't drink alcohol because of negative experiences? When is the time I share that a person in my past had inappropriate romantic feelings towards me? And if I share all of this what will that do to this person's perception of me?
These aren't things I'd share with a person instantly but somewhere along the line they have come up. In response many members of my tribe opened up to me and shared their weaknesses or 'flawed experiences'. The 'honesty' of these people increased my admiration for them and my closeness to them. You could say that these people have shared their weaknesses but I think they have shared their strength.

I think that you find 'your tribe' when you are 'honest'.