This post is something I have been playing with in my mind for a while. I have been mulling over my exact focus, details and overall tone. Do I want to go there? Do I want to keep more of this confined to my diary? (Yes I have a personal diary - which is facing some neglect whilst I blog - still, that's for knowledge I would never make public).
As some people reading this will know, this year has been rough. A long romantic relationship came to an end and due to circumstances everything was not closed off in one go - more like an earthquake with painful aftershocks. I recently found the hilarious question 'On a scale of 1 to Adele how bad was it?' Yeah, this was an 'Adele'. I'm not going to delve in to the details of the collapse (that's between myself and the guy concerned - who, despite everything, I don't want to hurt). In fact, I'm not really going to write about him. I don't want this to be a bitter reflection or uninhibited attack - I'll always value what we had and maintain the respect I had for him during our time together. It's easy to walk away and brand the other person as an unspeakable monster, but I think people forget there was something that drew you to them in the first place and you did have the joy of sharing something special with them - unless they did something unforgivable like eat the final peanut butter cookie - then brand away!
As I noted at the beginning of this post, there have to be considerations of what you want to make public. What purpose could it serve? In this case, I think I could certainly get away with not sharing anything - save it for my private pages. Naturally, as I stated earlier, I'm not going in to the painful details. However, I think it is worthwhile that I engage with this. It could help someone in the future and serves as a concrete reminder for me. So, I aim for this to be a source of strength, not sadness.
A while ago I had a conversation with a friend about the books we were reading. I'm still going strong with 'The Unbearable Lightness of Being' (sadly reading has to be saved as a treat between pieces of coursework so I still haven't finished it). I was telling my friend that I had come to the worrying realisation that I strongly relate to the character Tereza. She is a woman who cannot cope with her husband's infidelity and is essentially, systematically bullied by all the other characters. Honestly, I relate with her on more of a philosophical level than a situational one - her thoughts and views are strikingly familiar. However, this discussion led my friend to jokily ask whether I felt bullied by everyone. At the time I laughed and responded that I didn't (which I would like to clarify I still don't - I have numerous wonderfully kind friends) but the question did trigger some thought.
Upon reflection I realised that my friend's question had raised a deeper enquiry within me about how I felt in relation to other people. (On a side note, it's quite amazing how one question can take you to thoughts completely removed from the initial enquiry.) I certainly don't feel bullied by people, but I think this year I have felt that I must prove my worth to others.
The way the previously mentioned relationship ended resulted in a crippling feeling of worthlessness that I don't think I could ever fully articulate. I understand that not sharing details makes this harder to understand but I'd rather not have them floating around the internet. Essentially, the way things ended sent me the message that there was no care or respect for me - which, sadly, resulted in my losing a large amount of respect for myself. If I look back on the time following the relationship ending, I see that I have not been completely myself for a long time and at the beginning my confidence was so shot I was a bit of a ghost. I believed the message that I was worthless, and I accepted that other people would think I was too.
At the beginning of this academic year I was afraid. I would purposefully avoid people and kept my head down. Specifically, I remember approaching a lecture where I saw a group of people I knew standing in front of the building and thinking 'What if they know? What if they know that I'm not worth their time?', before taking a ridiculous route around the side of the building to slip in to the back of the lecture theatre alone. This is pretty laughable when I read it back, but at the time that fear was horribly real - I was so scared that other people would reinforce the message I had been given. I cut myself off because I believed that I had nothing to offer people. As a result, I spent a fair amount of this year feeling that I had to prove I was worth other people's time and fight what I saw to be the horrible conclusion they would all reach.
Whilst doing this, I came to realise that I was in fact fighting myself. I thought I was trying to prove myself to every one else, but I was really reintroducing myself to 'me'. On a more positive note, I frequently got the pleasant surprise of new friends and people who persevered with my reclusive behaviour. Through other people building me up, and the fact that I kept pushing myself to be 'brave' and face others I began to remember that I had something to offer. I was going down a completely deluded road (no one really thought badly of me) but it was one that started to restore me nonetheless.
Reading this back I can't tell you how angry I am with myself. At the time when I needed the most care and support, I bailed on myself. I let someone else determine how I feel about myself and what I deserve. I would be lying if I said I had no anger for this guy suggesting that I am worthless, but I am responsible for taking it on - I accepted it. So, back to the title of this blog - the wise words of Eleanor - 'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent'. I consented. And I so hope that no one else does. I hope that maybe anyone reading this can learn from my failing?
For someone to take away your strength is unreal. I believe in the extraordinary nature of humans - no one should ever feel that they do not have something to give to the world. We are all so complicated and interesting - think of even the five minute conversations you can have with strangers - you see just a glimpse of someone with an entirely new way of being that they could share with you. Everyone has their strengths and you should hold on to them even when the rest of the world is telling you that you have nothing to give.
So, among many things this year, I've learned to love myself. I let someone make me lose touch with myself. I believed their evaluation of me. And how ridiculous was I to do that? The person who knows you best is yourself - you know what sort of person you are and you know what you deserve. I can't stress enough that you should never let another person dictate those things for you - I spent far too long letting opportunities pass me by and hiding myself from the world because of ungrounded fear. I'm not entirely at peace with myself yet, but I don't think I've been so aware of myself in a long time. I am by no means a perfect soul (just spend a day with me when I haven't had enough sleep!) but I am worth your while if you enjoy being harassed with artistic knowledge and baked goods. If I was to get very 'hippyish' about this I would say that everyone has a sort of 'essence' to them, and it is usually what people really love about you, so treasure it and don't let it go missing.
I really wanted to write this to remind people to respect themselves. A lot easier said than done, but I thought if people could read about someone else's experience that may bring the message home in a different way. People often talk about 'losing themselves' - this is an easy thing to do but something I, and I hope anyone who reads this, could be more aware of in the future.
A while ago I had a conversation with a friend about the books we were reading. I'm still going strong with 'The Unbearable Lightness of Being' (sadly reading has to be saved as a treat between pieces of coursework so I still haven't finished it). I was telling my friend that I had come to the worrying realisation that I strongly relate to the character Tereza. She is a woman who cannot cope with her husband's infidelity and is essentially, systematically bullied by all the other characters. Honestly, I relate with her on more of a philosophical level than a situational one - her thoughts and views are strikingly familiar. However, this discussion led my friend to jokily ask whether I felt bullied by everyone. At the time I laughed and responded that I didn't (which I would like to clarify I still don't - I have numerous wonderfully kind friends) but the question did trigger some thought.
Upon reflection I realised that my friend's question had raised a deeper enquiry within me about how I felt in relation to other people. (On a side note, it's quite amazing how one question can take you to thoughts completely removed from the initial enquiry.) I certainly don't feel bullied by people, but I think this year I have felt that I must prove my worth to others.
The way the previously mentioned relationship ended resulted in a crippling feeling of worthlessness that I don't think I could ever fully articulate. I understand that not sharing details makes this harder to understand but I'd rather not have them floating around the internet. Essentially, the way things ended sent me the message that there was no care or respect for me - which, sadly, resulted in my losing a large amount of respect for myself. If I look back on the time following the relationship ending, I see that I have not been completely myself for a long time and at the beginning my confidence was so shot I was a bit of a ghost. I believed the message that I was worthless, and I accepted that other people would think I was too.
At the beginning of this academic year I was afraid. I would purposefully avoid people and kept my head down. Specifically, I remember approaching a lecture where I saw a group of people I knew standing in front of the building and thinking 'What if they know? What if they know that I'm not worth their time?', before taking a ridiculous route around the side of the building to slip in to the back of the lecture theatre alone. This is pretty laughable when I read it back, but at the time that fear was horribly real - I was so scared that other people would reinforce the message I had been given. I cut myself off because I believed that I had nothing to offer people. As a result, I spent a fair amount of this year feeling that I had to prove I was worth other people's time and fight what I saw to be the horrible conclusion they would all reach.
Whilst doing this, I came to realise that I was in fact fighting myself. I thought I was trying to prove myself to every one else, but I was really reintroducing myself to 'me'. On a more positive note, I frequently got the pleasant surprise of new friends and people who persevered with my reclusive behaviour. Through other people building me up, and the fact that I kept pushing myself to be 'brave' and face others I began to remember that I had something to offer. I was going down a completely deluded road (no one really thought badly of me) but it was one that started to restore me nonetheless.
Reading this back I can't tell you how angry I am with myself. At the time when I needed the most care and support, I bailed on myself. I let someone else determine how I feel about myself and what I deserve. I would be lying if I said I had no anger for this guy suggesting that I am worthless, but I am responsible for taking it on - I accepted it. So, back to the title of this blog - the wise words of Eleanor - 'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent'. I consented. And I so hope that no one else does. I hope that maybe anyone reading this can learn from my failing?
For someone to take away your strength is unreal. I believe in the extraordinary nature of humans - no one should ever feel that they do not have something to give to the world. We are all so complicated and interesting - think of even the five minute conversations you can have with strangers - you see just a glimpse of someone with an entirely new way of being that they could share with you. Everyone has their strengths and you should hold on to them even when the rest of the world is telling you that you have nothing to give.
So, among many things this year, I've learned to love myself. I let someone make me lose touch with myself. I believed their evaluation of me. And how ridiculous was I to do that? The person who knows you best is yourself - you know what sort of person you are and you know what you deserve. I can't stress enough that you should never let another person dictate those things for you - I spent far too long letting opportunities pass me by and hiding myself from the world because of ungrounded fear. I'm not entirely at peace with myself yet, but I don't think I've been so aware of myself in a long time. I am by no means a perfect soul (just spend a day with me when I haven't had enough sleep!) but I am worth your while if you enjoy being harassed with artistic knowledge and baked goods. If I was to get very 'hippyish' about this I would say that everyone has a sort of 'essence' to them, and it is usually what people really love about you, so treasure it and don't let it go missing.
I really wanted to write this to remind people to respect themselves. A lot easier said than done, but I thought if people could read about someone else's experience that may bring the message home in a different way. People often talk about 'losing themselves' - this is an easy thing to do but something I, and I hope anyone who reads this, could be more aware of in the future.
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