The title of this blog is a Kaiser Chiefs song that I really like, which has also been covered by Paramore, and it kind of relates to what I want to write about today.
An article was recently published in the official newspaper for students at my university.
This article is about relationships but it has a very cynical perspective of them.
My boyfriend is actually aiming to write a response article to the author because we were both so frustrated by reading it.
Whilst I don't have his confidence I just thought I'd blog about it instead.
In summary, the article states that all relationships are a competition for control and the second you let it be known that you really care about your significant other you essentially lose this competition.
In my Psychology class last year I studied the psychology of relationships and similar theories have been produced. For example, equity theory. Many of these psychological theories claimed that when in a relationship we aim to gain as much as we can from our partner whilst giving as little as we can in return.
These claims don't sit well with me.
Are human beings really that self-centred. I hope and really don't think that we are.
I thought I would just pick out a couple of quotes from the article that really frustrated me.
The author of the article began with: "The happiness of your relationships is, inherently, determined by how much control you have. When you like the other person less than they like you, you're in control".
Is that what we are all really after? Control? Will that make us happy? I know that's certainly not what I look for in any of my relationships, let alone romantic ones. I know it seems a little extreme, but for me this statement just provokes the image of a girl dragging a hopelessly smitten guy around everywhere and treating him like dirt because she can. I'm sure we've all seen someone in a relationship like that. It's not something to aspire to. Having that sort of control over someone would make me uncomfortable.
The author claimed that when a man makes his affections for his girlfriend known he "has, in addition to losing his testicles, lost in his relationship". Is he really insinuating that a man loses his masculinity for expressing affection? Are we in high school again? Are we really going to start making fun of guys for showing a 'feminine' emotion? This struck me as really juvenile. Furthermore, a man does not have to express his emotions and become any less masculine as a result. You do not instantly turn in to one of those lovestruck guys I'm sure we've all encountered in our lives. And if you're happy to be that guy and that's how you really feel then why not? I feel this a 'macho' perspective some guys really need to get over. I would have much more admiration for someone who would have the 'balls' to express his feelings and withstand whatever childish comments came his way.
The author further advises "If they think you can walk away from them at any moment, so more the better". Really? The way to succeed in your relationship is to keep your significant other on edge the whole time? I thought you were in a relationship with someone you care about? Why treat someone you like in that way? Another image springs to mind of girls in my high school desperately trying to please neglectful boys they were going out with to ensure that they didn't leave them. This isn't the way to treat someone you care about.
The author left the reader with these conclusions: "It isn't about their happiness. It's about yours" and "Put in as little as possible and get out as much as you can. It's the only way to win". This is what really frustrated me. If you truly care about someone then you care about their happiness. I'm not running for Miss World or anything, but a fair amount of my happiness comes from witnessing the happiness of others. Think of giving someone a present for their birthday that you've been thoughtful about and witnessing their happiness. I would really like to think that we are not the selfish beings this guy has made us out to be. I'm sure we are all aware of self-indulgent moments that we have, in a sense that is part of human nature, but that doesn't mean we have to behave badly as a result.
I don't want to give a naive answer depicting relationships as perfect the entire time. They are not and you are not going to be constantly on cloud nine. You have to think about someone other than yourself and what I will give the author of this article credit for is that you sometimes do compromise and not 'win' in a sense.
However, what the guy who wrote this article does not acknowledge is how extraordinary what you gain from a relationship can be. What he does not consider is the magnitude of what you gain and that fact that if you really care about someone it is rare for you to feel like you are sacrificing something.
For me being in a relationship isn't about winning and it never will be.
You're not in a competition or fight with your partner.
Isn't being in a relationship with someone like having won already?
I'm sure the guy who wrote the article would conclude that I am deluded and being naive.
But, really, I'd rather gain my happiness from my 'naive beliefs' than from gaining control over someone or a relationship.
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