After spending most of my afternoon writing an essay and listening to indie/soft rock music from my teenage years (the sort of stuff I was blasting when the world 'just didn't understand meeeee!' Think Paramore, All American Rejects etc.) I feel sufficiently prepared to tackle a subject that has been on my mind for a little while.
Let me set the scene. I've just started watching 'That 70s Show' again. I love it so much - it never fails to make me laugh. Last night I ended up watching one of the earlier episodes before Donna and Eric get together. So, it's the usual set-up - she likes him, he likes her, you just want to bash their heads together and scold them for being so blind etc. Well, in this episode a problem arises. The pair are playing basketball and Donna beats Eric. The rest of the episode focuses on Eric getting mocked for being 'beaten by a girl', but what really hit home is that Donna then had to face the all too familiar decision as to whether she should behave in a more feminine manner so that a boy will like her? I really do love this show, and I'm sure this later scene was meant as a joke, but it still horrified me - Donna's mother pretends she can't open a jar of pickles and calls for Donna's father's help so that he gets a masculine ego boost and then fawns all over her because she's so cute and helpless. The episode kind of deals with this issue, but I'm not sure it did strongly enough for my satisfaction - Donna continues as she is but not before momentarily conceding and attempting to be a dainty, simpering girl. Finally Donna and Eric continue to play games but just stop keeping score. Hmmm. I wouldn't really call that a solution to the problem.
I'm painfully aware that I can easily write about this with scorn and have a clear idea in my head of what the right response to this issue is, but I know deep down it's something that has always plagued my concerns. As fate would have it, from a young age I have never been the sweet, petite girl on the playground - I was always more like a loud, ungainly hippo (good feminist upbringing - girls can do what boys do - aka I threw myself around the place with little delicacy). Actually, I was friends with the sweet, petite girl - she had very long hair, fluttering eyelashes and a voice that honestly resembled a twittering disney bird. Ah yes, another thing, my spectacularly low voice. Yes, Rachel has never been called 'cute' or 'sweet' - I certainly never had the physique for it, and I think my personality has always matched. No boy thinks a girl who corrects their spelling is cute (yes, I did that a lot - I once essentially bullied a boy in to giving me a valentines card and then corrected his spelling).
So, naturally, when the boys started flaunting over the little, charming girls the alarm bells started to go off. What am I doing wrong? Why does no one think I'm adorable? What should I do? My chubby, boisterous childhood, right through to my awkwardly curvy, aggressively academic teenage years were shadowed by the looming threat that no boy would ever like me because I'm really in no way feminine.
I think that's something people really don't pay enough attention to (yes I've read enough feminist articles about it to make your eyes fall out but I think society as a whole has really not taken this information on board) - from my experience and that of my friends, I get this overwhelming feeling that girls are expected to be boy magnets - it is so rough to be the awkward girl at school (not even awkward in a cute Juno-esque way).
And really, it's a natural science right? Boys like girls? (Well, some boys) So clearly boys want a girl who really IS a girl? So I should have done all in my power to be a girly girl?
I make this light and jokey, but that's probably a nicer way to deal with it - ask me about this again on a day where I've been weeping about how I never had an adolescence where I felt remotely attractive to the opposite sex because I've never felt like one of the 'pretty girls'.
Sadly, this anxiety doesn't really disappear. The Art History department was really a bad choice in this respect. The department of immaculately dressed, sexy, beautiful girls. Seriously boys, get yourselves over there - it's where they all are. You really never feel more troll-like than when you crash in to an Art History lecture with unbrushed hair and realise no one told you it was dress-like-you're-on-a-catwalk day (which I've now gathered seems to be every day...)
It feels like there's no in between a lot of the time. Either you can be a walking Vogue editorial or accept your status as a lamp (Haha, I can't believe I haven't shared my wonderful metaphor with more people - I once explained to a friend that I considered myself a lamp - a random household object - no one looks at a lamp with lust - sure, it's a nice object but no one looks at it in that way - see, perfect metaphor!)
So, I can be a dirty great liberated feminist who doesn't get up early to put my face on but does that mean I have to be lonely forever?
I've found myself trying to be more feminine. Of course I have. I think it had pretty much the same result Donna reached - people wondering what on earth is wrong with you and making yourself even more strange than usual. And then of course afterwards I have to scold myself. 'Bad bad feminist! Go sacrifice something at the altar of Germaine Greer and repent for your sins!'
So, what do I do?
And then, of course, the warm embrace of feminism brings me to my answer.
I've been reading Caitlin Moran's book 'How to be a Woman' this summer (a lot of it similarly concerns her awkward childhood and the question of feminine vs. feminist). This book has become my personal bible. Another big 'Oh thank god a woman who felt this way too' moment. Seriously, read this book. I adore it. There are a number of books I keep with me wherever I happen to be living at the time (my all time favourites to turn to) - this is my newest addition. I may be buried with it. What I think, and what goddess Caitlin has reinforced, that what is really wrong here is the assumption that there is a way to 'be a woman' and if you're not that way you're clearly a cave troll. We need to break this. We need a culture of confident women - not the dainty darlings on pedestals and girls who feel like toads hoping to meet a somewhat attractive blind man one day.
Of course, not all is lost. There are already strong female characters out there. An interview with J.K. Rowling about the character Hermione really struck me - Hermione never apologises for who she is or complies with the needs of the boys - she takes command, reads stupidly big books and isn't afraid to have a not-so-delicate moment because that's who she is - a feisty, independent young woman (god I love a good feisty, independent young woman). How exhausting would it be to keep up the girl act if that's not who you are? (Extremely. Believe me, I've tried. The make-up application every morning stopped on day three). Furthermore, I read about a new theory that in situations where children should be praised adults are now being encouraged to tell young girls that they are clever not beautiful. Lets make brains and brilliance the criteria for a 'great girl'. How refreshing would it be to hear someone say: "Oh godddd. She just has it all. I mean, the way she grasped Kant's criteria for the aesthetic experience... I just wanted to applaud her! What a brain! What a woman!"
So, I think we know the answer to the original debate of this post is that you should never compromise on your ability or personality to make yourself more 'desirable'. You don't need to change - expectations need to change.
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