In a not so wise move on my part, I drank a latte at 9pm this evening to fire myself up and get through a tutorial reading. Here I am at 2am - utterly wired. I've undergone the recent discovery that I react pretty quickly and strongly to stimulants - I honestly can only have one cup of coffee a day (even something like a latte which is more milky) - any more and I'm off the wall. Still, this provides me with a golden opportunity to catch up on some blogging.
I was having a conversation with a friend the other day that left me a little shocked. I can't entirely remember why, but it came to the point where he said "Back home [he's from the States] it's not uncommon for a girl to sleep with five different guys during one week. It is embarrassing for her but it's seen as the norm." This seems rather extreme, but I think there is some truth in one night stands having become a norm - especially at university.
This is where my personality gets rather scrambled. I have some hippy-ish tendencies but when it comes to things like 'free love' I can't really go there. I want to clarify initially that just because I would not be inclined towards a one night stand, does not mean that I think any less of someone who would be - if they are comfortable and happy then that's fine - it is just not a situation I would want for myself. I think I appear rather outdated - especially for a university student - shouldn't I be going rampant or something right about now? Haha, quite the contrary - I'm home blogging whilst sat next to a tray of cinnamon rolls I just made.
Bluntly, I am only comfortable with sex in a committed romantic relationship. By contrast, I've been present for frequent recollections of one night stands or the discussions of whether it's acceptable to sleep with someone you don't really know. I've been building up different reflections about casual sex and my stance for a while and recently they appear to have come together so I thought I'd articulate some of my ideas.
I recently read an article and came across a concept I am particularly fond of. I wanted to make sure my understanding of this idea was right so I checked with a friend who is fluent in Hebrew and she confirmed it is correct. The Hebrew word 'yada', whilst having numerous meanings depending upon context, has one that I thought was striking. 'Yada' means 'to know', and in a sexual context, it can mean to know physically. The example my friend provided is that in the Old Testament if it is mentioned that a woman becomes pregnant, it is often said that a husband knew his wife, and thus they conceived a child. I found this particular meaning to be rather beautiful. I think to engage with a person on that level is 'to know' them, and 'to know' them in a way that is unique and special to your relationship. When you think about it at a more basic level, it is special to know some people at all - just be acquainted or good friends with - it's regular for me to say 'I'm so glad I know you' to a friend. Then, there are degrees of knowing people - we all have that friend who knows exactly what we're thinking. However, (at least this is regular for me) it is rare to know people on a different level romantically. To 'know' someone in that way is unique - it is just between the two of you and is not shared with other people. I think 'yada' is a beautifully romantic concept.
Furthermore, I think this idea about 'knowing' suggests some sort of vulnerability and trust. To truly know someone, you both have to open up emotionally in a way that you would not in normal, every day conversation. With a lot of my closest friends defences have been stripped back and weaknesses are known. Playing on the word stripped here... But, yes to be physically close is to be vulnerable. So, surely this should happen with someone you know and trust?
This debate reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend over the summer about clubs. We concluded that in a club you are a body - you are not a person - and really should you settle for that? I get a similar feeling with one night stands - you're a body - you are purely physical. I think this seems sad when you come to understand how intellectually and emotionally extraordinary human beings are.
I thought I'd finish this post by recalling a rather silly conversation I had with my friend about the subject. During our discussion he said: 'Well, I'm open to it because everyone else seems to think it's okay'. My argument (which upon reflection I have realised was a pretty poor parallel) in return was: 'But if people just started murdering each other for no reason and everyone thought it was okay that doesn't mean you would'. His wonderful reply? 'Rachel, you can't really compare having sex and the slaying of innocent people. Although... I guess if you were a preppy guy you could talk about slaying some babes?'
So I leave you with that. The killing of the innocent and slaying some babes with your sexual prowess.
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