"Rachel, grow some balls"

If I was given a pound for every time the title of this blog post was said to me I reckon I would have enough money to acquire said balls, along with the rest of a sex change.

I've been home for two weeks (spring break!) and used my valuable time to meet up with the wise and wonderful of London. Essentially, lots of nattering over cups of coffee and mooching across the city with friends (random side note - go to the Lucien Freud exhibition hell or high water!)

During these discussions with friends the need for me to stop worrying about other people or 'grow a pair' has come up more than once. I wrote an earlier blog 'One plus one plus one plus one does not equal four' which covers this subject. This is a kind of follow-up to some further thinking - a more practical rather than philosophical musing.

There was a concept I learned about during Psychology A Level that pretty much covers what I'm like. It has been suggested that people have either an external or internal locus of control. If you have an external locus you regard what happens to you as depending upon things out of your control - so if you fail a test it's because the test is too hard or you were just unlucky that day. If you have an internal locus then you hold yourself responsible for events - if you fail a test it's your fault. I have an internal locus of control to the nth degree - I am my worst critic by a mile - everything is certainly my fault (we're working on this folks). Unfortunately, my internal locus also extends to other people. I am extremely conscious of other people's problems or imposing myself upon them.

My father's final words before I left home to travel back to university today - "Stop worrying about everyone else's bloody problems and focus on yourself"

What a sweetheart.

My sense of responsibility is ridiculous - but I am working on it. It takes time like anything else. However, I am proud of the fact that I think I've made a conscious effort towards having what my mum calls some 'sensible self-interest' and being more honest with people (not in the sense that I'm wandering around telling horrendous lies - 'Oh yeah, I'm engaged to Joseph Gordon Levitt - come to my wedding!' - more that I hold back sometimes and suppress). In this process I've become more open and relaxed - which, in turn, has led to my making some new and dear friends this year - essentially more crazed individuals who think and indulge in tea with me (I love nothing more than a cafe date).

So, this is not entirely negative - I think I have progressed.

Anyway, there was a particular point made during one of these coffee-sessions that I hadn't really considered before. These little ideas always help me and make me more comfortable with what I'm trying to achieve. I recently met with a tutor from the art history course I went on last summer (she's a goddess) and she has the incredible ability to make you feel wonderful on the crummiest day. This week she stressed to me that you really should speak your mind (had this drummed in to me by everyone!) but then also reminded me that if you say something you don't agree with on reflection, you can apologise for it - you can take it back. She's a teacher, and her example was that if she feels a student is not working hard she will call them lazy, and then if they work hard to prove her wrong, she can tell them she judged too quickly. Furthermore, she stressed that sometimes honesty (in this case in the form of criticism) is needed to bring good. Honesty can improve a situation, and upon that improvement you can retract your statement.

I had never thought of having the confidence (or balls) to say what I feel or stop concerning myself with other people so much as having a positive outcome. My worry about other people gets to the point where it can defeat itself - I try to avoid harm and then cause it in a round about way.

The phrase 'cruel to be kind' springs to mind. Of course, I think a part of me is always going to be measured and careful not to hurt people (it's how I was raised) but I can cut myself some slack.
Maybe, just maybe, I'll post a blog one day that I've finally managed to overcome my anxiety about upsetting others? I've already made progress. Or this could go horribly wrong and I'll end up publishing a post about how rude and unkind I've become!

Below is a song by Julia Nunes (one of my favourite youtube artists - she's a dream) called 'Grown a Pair'. Just thought it was a nice end to the subject!