One plus one plus one plus one does not make four.

I had a recent conversation with a friend where we concluded that one plus one plus one plus one does not make four.

I'm aware that I have a need to control things. I think we all like the feeling of control. To be in a position of understanding makes you feel secure. I try to put things in boxes - a neat format where things don't feel complicated. I try to reach conclusions and generate a summary of how I feel about things. 'I feel this way so I must act this way'. I try to control my future by controlling myself. It's struck me how insane and unachievable this need is. There is no such thing as control and I can never really have it.

In keeping with this need, I'm also aware that I have a need to please others. I avoid conflict like the plague - I am the definition of a flighty person. I run away and I withhold what I'm thinking or feeling from others to control the situation. 'I can control this by not pushing out feelings where I'm uncertain of how others may react'. Again, there's no way I could control things so that other people are constantly happy.

I over think experiences. I'm presented with a possibility and I want to understand what will happen. I want to know. So, I spend my time going over and over what could be. I can do this enough so that I back away from experiences because I've over thought about what could happen to me. If there's some uncertainty I run.

These needs are so ridiculous I don't know where to begin.

Humans are not explainable. Feelings are not explainable. If we were so easy to understand then the debates and research would not exist. The way people are going to react, the series of events that will unfold, how I am going to feel - none of that is certain. None of that can be under my control - even though I think we can all make pretty convincing cases to ourselves that we do know what's going on. Constantly I surprise myself, situations surprise me and other people surprise me. Human beings are all so different and complicated it's extraordinary. Just think, when two people interact, regardless of what may have brought this exchange to be, it's not simply two people coming together to communicate - it's two deeply complicated beings and all of their personal history, characteristics and desires interacting. The slightest alteration in perhaps what has brought them together or a personal detail about them brings a unique situation. This world and every minute we spend in it is so unique - how could control ever be gained over that?

This made me reflect further that there is no such thing as an adult. They're a complete myth. I remember my awe at a young age over the concept of 'grown-ups' and how in control of everything they appeared to be. For them life was solved - they had the answers and they knew what they were doing. Now I'm getting 'old' I've realised this is not the case. We're all uncertain and I think it's good to recognise that everyone is in that same position of uncertainty. Undeniably, we create these facades for each other and can give off an air of understanding. But deep down I don't think anyone is completely on top of anything. I'm aware this is sounding negative and worrying but actually I think it's just natural. Perhaps it's what keeps us exploring? And what keeps life so extraordinary? As I previously noted, each moment in life is so complex and different there is no way anyone can be that prepared - we're all improvising and drawing from what we can.

These reflections put me in a new place and I've decided that often I need to 'push and not think'. It sounds rather bizarre that my thoughts have encouraged me not to think? Well, not to think but to change my way of thinking. Every moment of life is unique and I need to take them without a worry. I cannot control things, particularly the constant happiness of others. Naturally, I think it's good to avoid conflict but not to such an extent. Each individual is so different there is no way you can perfectly come together all the time and you are not going to be the perfect person for everyone. I've concluded, that for me, there needs to be: more letting go, less thought and more uninhibited action.

So, why does one plus one plus one plus one not make four?

Each one is so different they couldn't all come together and make a perfect number.

I think you can tell that by the end of this conversation my friend and I had reached a slight state of euphoria - possibly the Beanscene coffee? It's addictive.