For my lover.

First blog of the new year. 

I've been having one of those funny, lazy afternoons where you don't do much but your mind feels like its been in to overdrive. I'm packing to go back to university. I'm sitting alone on my bedroom floor listening to music. The fire is lit in the living room below me so I get the warmth and lovely smell of burning wood. My light is dim and everything is very still. I love these moments so much - having time to just be. Lying on the floor, thinking and singing. If I want to engage with and tackle ideas in my head I can. If I don't want to I don't have to - I can just sing along with Tracy Chapman. 

I think there was a lot of reflection this holiday and it certainly happens before the new year. When I was turning twenty I told people I felt too young and not ready. At times like these when I lie back and think, I feel twenty. I feel especially old after this year. Maybe not so much wiser? I feel that I'm clued up in most respects but there are others where I still feel so naive. I'm an emotional person. I'm still deciding whether this is a gift or a curse. Tracy Chapman's 'For my lover' made me reflect on the fact that if I feel strongly maybe I become 'the fool'? I can't decide whether there's a maturity in my feeling or a mindless girlishness. I make strong ties to people and this has its own rewards and punishments. I get the intense benefits and the crushing lows. 

'Two weeks in the Virginia jail for my lover, for my lover. Twenty thousand dollar bail for my lover, for my lover'