Cooking

I cook when I'm stressed. I cook when I'm sad. I cook when I need a break to relax. I also cook at happy times - this isn't an activity especially reserved for the blues. It's one of my favourite things to do, so logically it makes sense that I do it when I'm sad. 

It was around the time of my a level exams that you could barely move in my house as you struggled against the mountain of food I'd created. I'd cook at least once every day. 

I remember watching an episode of The Simpsons where Marge has a break down and is cooking up a feast at about three in the morning. I thought 'Man. That's definitely the way I'd go'.

Luckily I've never reached the early hours cooking craze. 

Whilst cooking yesterday I reflected on why it is a reassuring thing for me to do. 

I think it's good because it's a form of creation. It's like a minor form of achievement. I've taken the basics and created something of my own. I can become creative and switch things around - I combine recipes a lot. And of course I get the satisfaction of the result - yum!

I also think cooking is quite a stable thing for me. I know what I'm doing. There are instructions and a sense of guidance. I know I can't really mess it up if I follow the guidelines - confirming the idea that this is something I can succeed in.
I think I have a strong instinct to have a sense of control. This is probably true for a lot of people. We like to know what's going on and why things are happening. I think cooking gives me a sense of control and understanding when other aspects of my life are difficult to handle.

Since I've been home from university I've also just been cooking a lot because I've missed it this year. It gives my mum a nice break and me the chance to improve.
Next year I'm living in a house instead of halls so I'll be cooking every day. I can't wait because I think it'll give me time each day to relax and indulge in what I enjoy most.

Some stuff I made: a vegetable broth-ish thing (lots of pak choi - yum!), almond and chocolate cookies (adding oats makes them have a nice grainy taste) and chicken chow mein noodles (a family favourite). 

My Honest Tribe

A couple of days ago I went to a stage show by Ruby Wax and Judith Owen called 'Losing It'.
Both women have tackled clinical depression and the show mainly focused on Ruby's experience. This subject opened the door to Ruby's reflections on life. She mentioned two ideas that stuck with me.
1. Finding your tribe
2. How much better the world would be if we were just honest with each other

So, firstly, on finding your tribe.
Ruby suggested that you can have a natural tribe of people with similar views and experiences.  You can find this tribe at any stage of your life and have deep connections with the members of it. She stressed that we are all 'lost creatures' trying to find commonality - our tribe.

Having just finished my first year at university this concept had some poignancy for me and brought a couple of conclusions to mind.
I think in a way I have found an important tribe at university. Being in a small all girls senior school I certainly hadn't found my tribe by the time I was 18. I had close connections with a couple of members of my year group, that I hope I'll keep going for a long time yet, but I wasn't part of a tribe. In being head girl and distanced academically from the rest of my year I do feel I spent a fair amount of my last year in isolation. I don't want this to seem some kind of sob story because I think that isolation was right for the time. It gave me focus and made me realise what kind of person I am. I think I really grew in my final year of senior school and this self-discovery has continued in to my first year of university.

Anyway, back to the point, I think at university I've found a sort of tribe. There are friends I've gained who I feel closer to than people I have known for more than ten times longer. I've found people with the same view of the world and I've found people who've challenged me to develop my own. In a way these connections are amazing, especially upon only having known these people for a year.
I don't think I have ever been so comfortable in myself or ever felt so valued as a person. And I think that is what has made returning home hard. Of course I have my biological tribe and I get to catch up on lost time with my family - who will always be a very important tribe for me. I still have those various close friends from school and I get the opportunity to reconnect with them. But I don't have my non-biological tribe and they are hard to be without. To make these connections, develop this 'family' and then experience separation is hard.

I will never forget one of my university friends saying after about 6 months of us knowing each other 'I know we haven't known each other long, and this may seem strange, but I do love you guys'. She was right. I do love my tribe - on a deeper level than people I have known for a longer time because I am finally with a group of people with whom I have a deeper level of understanding.

On to Ruby's second idea.
Ruby suggested that the world would be a better place if we were honest with each other. However, the type of honesty Ruby talked about was a unique kind I had not been aware of before. She wants the world to be more honest in terms of expressing our worries and weaknesses to each other. Her example: If someone asked her 'How are you?' she would reply 'Just like you. Dealing with the fear of loneliness and mortality'.
She wants us to be honest on the level of being open about our human frailty.

From a British perspective this is an interesting idea. The British stiff upper lip is a well known concept. The idea of being determined to keep going and not fall susceptible to our emotions. I'd say this is a fair concept and I was raised to carry on as best I could when things get tough. For me, Ruby's suggestion has a strong amount of appeal. What is this need for human beings to present themselves as strong at all times? We so want to be on top of life and in a position of understanding. Yet, we have all got these anxieties. I think that's another thing I've learnt over time - everyone has had trying experiences and everyone has worries (some more than others but they're still there).

Wouldn't the world be a better place if we could show our weakness to each other? If we could be honest and drop the pretence of being in control? If we could show each other that we are human?
I think some of my strongest relationships are with those whose weaknesses I have witnessed.
So I could keep emphasising that we should be honest with each other or I could do this myself.
Here's my honesty:
'Rachel how are you?'
'Just like you. Dealing with the anxieties of what to do with my life, whether I'll ever feel comfortable with my physical appearance and the need to feel loved'.

I think a way the concepts of 'the tribe' and 'being honest' come together is in getting to know other people.
In finding your tribe you can have these moments of honesty and they can be hard.
There are the dilemmas of: When is the time I share that one of my parents has had cancer? When is the time I share that I don't drink alcohol because of negative experiences? When is the time I share that a person in my past had inappropriate romantic feelings towards me? And if I share all of this what will that do to this person's perception of me?
These aren't things I'd share with a person instantly but somewhere along the line they have come up. In response many members of my tribe opened up to me and shared their weaknesses or 'flawed experiences'. The 'honesty' of these people increased my admiration for them and my closeness to them. You could say that these people have shared their weaknesses but I think they have shared their strength.

I think that you find 'your tribe' when you are 'honest'.

19th June 2011

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. 

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one.

To love is to be vulnerable."

- C.S. Lewis 

'You're gonna make me lonesome when you go'

Irritatingly I'm the one who had to 'go', so I have only myself to blame really.

At the moment I'm really missing someone.
In a way I don't think I've really missed anyone before.

I've missed my family during this semester at university.
There are moments when I've really wanted to go home and lean on them when life has been feeling a bit rough.
But I didn't miss them like this.

I'm missing this person to the point where I'm wanting to just hop on a train to be off for a day in St Andrews before coming back home again.
I often think about them, what it would be like if they were here or of all the little things I'm missing.
The really little things are difficult to be without.
A knowing smile, brushing my hair, holding my hand, making me laugh, creating funny little drawings.

And all the technology keeping us in contact seems harsh and really not enough.
And all the silly things I want to say but which really sound pathetic in comparison to how you feel.

I don't want to sound ungrateful either.
I'm really happy to be back home with my family and to be spending christmas with them.
Everything is familiar and comfortable.
We can just switch back in to our old habits and ways of being with each other like I had never left.
I always feel that my family is closest at this time of the year.
We look back on our year together and let each other know how blessed we are to be together and how much we love and appreciate each other.

I just suppose there's another important person in my life now and it's ok to want to be with them too.
I think being without someone does really test how much you care about them.
I have a friend whose boyfriend is living in a different country from her for a large part of the year.
I always admired their commitment to each other but never really understood how incredibly difficult that must be for her.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and this heart is feeling very fond.

'Love's not a competition. But I'm winning'



The title of this blog is a Kaiser Chiefs song that I really like, which has also been covered by Paramore, and it kind of relates to what I want to write about today.

An article was recently published in the official newspaper for students at my university.
This article is about relationships but it has a very cynical perspective of them.
My boyfriend is actually aiming to write a response article to the author because we were both so frustrated by reading it.
Whilst I don't have his confidence I just thought I'd blog about it instead.

In summary, the article states that all relationships are a competition for control and the second you let it be known that you really care about your significant other you essentially lose this competition.
In my Psychology class last year I studied the psychology of relationships and similar theories have been produced. For example, equity theory. Many of these psychological theories claimed that when in a relationship we aim to gain as much as we can from our partner whilst giving as little as we can in return.

These claims don't sit well with me.
Are human beings really that self-centred. I hope and really don't think that we are.
I thought I would just pick out a couple of quotes from the article that really frustrated me.

The author of the article began with: "The happiness of your relationships is, inherently, determined by how much control you have. When you like the other person less than they like you, you're in control".
Is that what we are all really after? Control? Will that make us happy? I know that's certainly not what I look for in any of my relationships, let alone romantic ones. I know it seems a little extreme, but for me this statement just provokes the image of a girl dragging a hopelessly smitten guy around everywhere and treating him like dirt because she can. I'm sure we've all seen someone in a relationship like that. It's not something to aspire to. Having that sort of control over someone would make me uncomfortable.

The author claimed that when a man makes his affections for his girlfriend known he "has, in addition to losing his testicles, lost in his relationship". Is he really insinuating that a man loses his masculinity for expressing affection? Are we in high school again? Are we really going to start making fun of guys for showing a 'feminine' emotion? This struck me as really juvenile. Furthermore, a man does not have to express his emotions and become any less masculine as a result. You do not instantly turn in to one of those lovestruck guys I'm sure we've all encountered in our lives. And if you're happy to be that guy and that's how you really feel then why not? I feel this a 'macho' perspective some guys really need to get over. I would have much more admiration for someone who would have the 'balls' to express his feelings and withstand whatever childish comments came his way.

The author further advises "If they think you can walk away from them at any moment, so more the better". Really? The way to succeed in your relationship is to keep your significant other on edge the whole time? I thought you were in a relationship with someone you care about? Why treat someone you like in that way? Another image springs to mind of girls in my high school desperately trying to please neglectful boys they were going out with to ensure that they didn't leave them. This isn't the way to treat someone you care about.

The author left the reader with these conclusions: "It isn't about their happiness. It's about yours" and "Put in as little as possible and get out as much as you can. It's the only way to win". This is what really frustrated me. If you truly care about someone then you care about their happiness. I'm not running for Miss World or anything, but a fair amount of my happiness comes from witnessing the happiness of others. Think of giving someone a present for their birthday that you've been thoughtful about and witnessing their happiness. I would really like to think that we are not the selfish beings this guy has made us out to be. I'm sure we are all aware of self-indulgent moments that we have, in a sense that is part of human nature, but that doesn't mean we have to behave badly as a result.

I don't want to give a naive answer depicting relationships as perfect the entire time. They are not and you are not going to be constantly on cloud nine. You have to think about someone other than yourself and what I will give the author of this article credit for is that you sometimes do compromise and not 'win' in a sense.
However, what the guy who wrote this article does not acknowledge is how extraordinary what you gain from a relationship can be. What he does not consider is the magnitude of what you gain and that fact that if you really care about someone it is rare for you to feel like you are sacrificing something.
For me being in a relationship isn't about winning and it never will be.
You're not in a competition or fight with your partner.
Isn't being in a relationship with someone like having won already?

I'm sure the guy who wrote the article would conclude that I am deluded and being naive.
But, really, I'd rather gain my happiness from my 'naive beliefs' than from gaining control over someone or a relationship.

'Starry Night'

This painting is 'Starry Night' by Van Gogh.
It's definitely one of my favourite paintings and I have a little copy on my wall at university.

I've been staring at it a lot today and thought I'd like to write about it.

I think this is one of the most beautiful representations of the world.
The colours, the texture, the patterns.
I love how extraordinary he has made the sky.
Something I do often is look up at the night sky and I really do think it is extraordinary.

This picture makes me think of a conversation I had with my mum in the Museum of Modern Art in New York.
I told her that I felt Van Gogh's paintings were like dreams.
The whole environment seems to have a softness but at the same time it is so vivid.
I've dreamed about just walking around inside one of his paintings before.
I'm not entirely sure why, but to me the environment seems to have such a benevolence about it and a calmness.

After I've had a long, tiring day or if I've experienced something difficult I always look at 'Starry Night' and feel a certain wave of peace.
I think it's an example of some of the extraordinary beauty human beings are capable of creating and of how incredible the world itself is.
The 'dream' is to have a larger copy hanging in my house one day.

Drinking

I have made a personal decision to not drink alcohol.
I made this decision about three years ago.
I decided not to drink for personal reasons and events that have occurred in my life.

It's not always easy living with this decision, especially because of being a teenager.
There is definitely a drinking culture that I am not a part of but can often find myself in the middle of.
It's difficult explaining my decision when first meeting people. My reasons have a very emotional basis and they are not something I'm especially keen to share when I first meet someone.
As a result I have had to face people mocking me or making me feel like I've done something wrong.
I'm very often stereotyped as a goody-two-shoes.

I occassionally feel in conflict with my decision.
It would be so much easier to just be part of the group and avoid creating an awkward situation for myself.
I often worry that I am holding people back.
I really appreciate that many of my friends who do drink make a point of not doing it around me.
Yet at the same time I worry about how frustrating or limiting my presence can be for them.

People have asked me if I would want them to stop drinking as well.
Regardless of my personal feelings, I would never feel that I should impose them upon anyone else.
People should make their own decisions about their behaviour and I would not feel comfortable controlling what someone else does.
If people want to drink that is their personal decision and I do not think any more or any less of them for it.
Many people find this strange but I don't really mind having others drink around me. I'm still capable of going to a party or a pub. My parents, my siblings, my relatives and a majority of my friends drink and I really don't have a problem with that.

I think the reason I am writing this blog is because the next day or so are going to be quite challenging for me.
There are some traditional celebrations being carried out by my university this weekend and alcohol does play a significant role in them.
I'm feeling quite anxious about what is going to happen.
Being the only sober one in a group is not especially fun and sometimes events like these do bring back distressing memories or trigger unhappy thoughts.
I'm also worried about frustrating other people or being pressured in to a situation I'm not comfortable with.

So once again I have had to sit back and ask myself what I want.
Do I want to avoid the celebrations all together? Do I want to let people know about my decision and some of the reasons behind it? Do I want to give in and feel like part of the group?

And funnily enough I think it's good that I have situations like these that remind me why I made my decision in the first place.
I think it's better that I keep clear in my mind why I am behaving in a certain way rather than going along with my decision just because it's what I've been doing for the last couple of years.

It would not be hugely harmful for me to drink alcohol at all.
I have drunk alcohol before.
I'm not an alcoholic or anything like that so I could easily drink with no catastrophic consequences.

But I think a consequence would be how I feel about myself.
If anything, this weekend has strengthened my convictions and made me feel that I am doing the right thing, despite the difficulties it does entail.
I am also so fortunate to have a group of friends who understand and do not mind me doing shots of tea!