My Honest Tribe

A couple of days ago I went to a stage show by Ruby Wax and Judith Owen called 'Losing It'.
Both women have tackled clinical depression and the show mainly focused on Ruby's experience. This subject opened the door to Ruby's reflections on life. She mentioned two ideas that stuck with me.
1. Finding your tribe
2. How much better the world would be if we were just honest with each other

So, firstly, on finding your tribe.
Ruby suggested that you can have a natural tribe of people with similar views and experiences.  You can find this tribe at any stage of your life and have deep connections with the members of it. She stressed that we are all 'lost creatures' trying to find commonality - our tribe.

Having just finished my first year at university this concept had some poignancy for me and brought a couple of conclusions to mind.
I think in a way I have found an important tribe at university. Being in a small all girls senior school I certainly hadn't found my tribe by the time I was 18. I had close connections with a couple of members of my year group, that I hope I'll keep going for a long time yet, but I wasn't part of a tribe. In being head girl and distanced academically from the rest of my year I do feel I spent a fair amount of my last year in isolation. I don't want this to seem some kind of sob story because I think that isolation was right for the time. It gave me focus and made me realise what kind of person I am. I think I really grew in my final year of senior school and this self-discovery has continued in to my first year of university.

Anyway, back to the point, I think at university I've found a sort of tribe. There are friends I've gained who I feel closer to than people I have known for more than ten times longer. I've found people with the same view of the world and I've found people who've challenged me to develop my own. In a way these connections are amazing, especially upon only having known these people for a year.
I don't think I have ever been so comfortable in myself or ever felt so valued as a person. And I think that is what has made returning home hard. Of course I have my biological tribe and I get to catch up on lost time with my family - who will always be a very important tribe for me. I still have those various close friends from school and I get the opportunity to reconnect with them. But I don't have my non-biological tribe and they are hard to be without. To make these connections, develop this 'family' and then experience separation is hard.

I will never forget one of my university friends saying after about 6 months of us knowing each other 'I know we haven't known each other long, and this may seem strange, but I do love you guys'. She was right. I do love my tribe - on a deeper level than people I have known for a longer time because I am finally with a group of people with whom I have a deeper level of understanding.

On to Ruby's second idea.
Ruby suggested that the world would be a better place if we were honest with each other. However, the type of honesty Ruby talked about was a unique kind I had not been aware of before. She wants the world to be more honest in terms of expressing our worries and weaknesses to each other. Her example: If someone asked her 'How are you?' she would reply 'Just like you. Dealing with the fear of loneliness and mortality'.
She wants us to be honest on the level of being open about our human frailty.

From a British perspective this is an interesting idea. The British stiff upper lip is a well known concept. The idea of being determined to keep going and not fall susceptible to our emotions. I'd say this is a fair concept and I was raised to carry on as best I could when things get tough. For me, Ruby's suggestion has a strong amount of appeal. What is this need for human beings to present themselves as strong at all times? We so want to be on top of life and in a position of understanding. Yet, we have all got these anxieties. I think that's another thing I've learnt over time - everyone has had trying experiences and everyone has worries (some more than others but they're still there).

Wouldn't the world be a better place if we could show our weakness to each other? If we could be honest and drop the pretence of being in control? If we could show each other that we are human?
I think some of my strongest relationships are with those whose weaknesses I have witnessed.
So I could keep emphasising that we should be honest with each other or I could do this myself.
Here's my honesty:
'Rachel how are you?'
'Just like you. Dealing with the anxieties of what to do with my life, whether I'll ever feel comfortable with my physical appearance and the need to feel loved'.

I think a way the concepts of 'the tribe' and 'being honest' come together is in getting to know other people.
In finding your tribe you can have these moments of honesty and they can be hard.
There are the dilemmas of: When is the time I share that one of my parents has had cancer? When is the time I share that I don't drink alcohol because of negative experiences? When is the time I share that a person in my past had inappropriate romantic feelings towards me? And if I share all of this what will that do to this person's perception of me?
These aren't things I'd share with a person instantly but somewhere along the line they have come up. In response many members of my tribe opened up to me and shared their weaknesses or 'flawed experiences'. The 'honesty' of these people increased my admiration for them and my closeness to them. You could say that these people have shared their weaknesses but I think they have shared their strength.

I think that you find 'your tribe' when you are 'honest'.